Alone in the Dark (2005)
Guest Review by Kay Williams
I would like to dedicate this review to Tara Reid's nipples.
This is...Alone In the Dark.
Dear Raptor Jesus...save us from this film!
So I was given this DVD by a friend of mine (some friend he turned out to be) and thought I'd watch it a couple of Saturdays ago. I'm only now just getting over this piece of snot called a film as I've had to suffer through severe headaches, dizziness and stomach pains for the last two weeks.
I may contact my lawyer to see if I can make any money out of my suffering.
Now...let's dive right into this pile of vomit and see how this film has changed me...in a very negative way.
Now first off...let it be known that this film sucks. It could suck a nail out of a two by four. C.S is awful as the lead, Tara Reid is hopeless and clearly wearing too many clothes and S.D is just an arsehole.
Christian Slater as Edward Carnby (AKA C.S)
Tara Reid as Aline Cedrac (AKA Tara Random Breast Pun)
Stephen Dorff as Commander Burke (AKA S.D)
Matthew Walker as Professor Lionel Hudgens (AKA L.O.P)
A bunch of extras I couldn't give a shit about.
So with that said...let the suffering begin.
The film opens with a very long and boring text scroll. It goes for a minute and thirty seconds and could put a speed freak to sleep. Blah, Blah, Blah!
We are soon introduced to our main character played by Christian Slater who is dressed like a homeless person and pretty much has the acting skills of one. All this guy seems to do is monologue and jump randomly from location to location.
Speaking of the monologues...for some reason C.S gets at least four monologues to flex his voice acting muscle and let's just say his voice acting is no better than his on screen acting. In fact it's worse...and that's saying a lot.
This film also features a young white guy driving a cab. Is that strange to anyone else?
C.S openly tells the young cab driver he's a paranormal investigator...like seriously...why not just lie? The cab driver isn't around long though as an evil bald dude in white driving another cab chases them down and forces them to crash into a wall. C.S tells the cab driver to "stay down" as he jumps free of the wreckage before it's smashed again. He may as well have said;
"You stay here and die while I escape!"
So long young white cab driver...we barely knew thee.
Anyway...we now get a lame fight scene between C.S and the evil bald dude involving shattered glass, broken doors, bad wire works, lame bullet time and the most stupid bicycle kick ever seen in a motion picture.
The line on the front of my DVD case reads "Non-stop action and rousing fight scenes" They really should have printed "Lame lifeless action and 3 pathetic fight scenes"
Its 11:39 into the film and Tara Reid is on screen. She is wearing glasses, which makes her look kinda cute...but her acting is uneven...kinda like her nipples after she fucked around having breast implants. The security guard at the museum she works at is a dick and hopefully he will die a painful, gory death. Fingers crossed.
Okay...I'm at the 14 minute mark...and I need a break. This film is making me feel sick.
We now cut to a large boat where the so-called villain of the film (who I will call lame old professor) is chatting to a fisherman who looks like the lead singer of Nickelback if he ate too many pies. They seem to have found a large case made of solid gold. Nice.
I like pies.
Of course the fisherman and his shipmates turn into pirates in a nano second and lock L.O.P in the brig (May-be? There is always a brig on these kinda ships) and open the gold case. Of course inside the case is a monster which then cuts the pirates to pieces, spraying blood everywhere. So I guess the lesson is don't steal stuff?
Also at this point in the film a few random people just stop what they are doing and walk away. This is kinda explained in the opening text scroll but I fell asleep during it...so I have no fucking clue what is going on.
We now cut to Bureau 713 (That's kind of a random number? Why 713? Why not Bureau 311 or Bureau 90210?) Where we meet the arsehole character of the film played by S.D. There isn't much to say about him...he's a Bureau 713 agent and he doesn't like C.S. That about covers it.
We are now at the 20 minute mark and I'm starting to get a little dizzy. This film is kinda like taking bad drugs...only I'd rather take some drugs than sit through this awful mess. At 21:51 we get another C.S monologue and it's just as boring as the first one and the next three. Blah, Blah, Blah!
C.S seems to have the ability to teleport off screen as he appears at many, many different locations in such a short period of time. It's just crazy how many locations he appears at.
Oh No...another monologue!
We now get an outdoor scene where C.S is having some pecan pie with his old doctor friend from Bureau 713. C.S was once a member of 713 if you haven't guessed, hence why S.D is so mean to him.
I also like pecan pie.
Now C.S shows up at the museum where Tara Areola works. Another location? Sure why not. She seems happy to see him at first but then she calls him an arsehole and punches him in the face. I want to punch this entire film in the face.
Is there really a country called New Found land?
Yes there is...kinda?
At least Tara Reid wasn't making it up.
Now comes some amazing special effects. While C.S and Tara Cleavage are in the museum the lights start flicking on and off. That's just amazing. They should have done that in The Lord of the Rings films. And since I've had my fingers crossed this entire time...it looks like the annoying security guard from earlier is about to be killed by some demonic minion. Awesome!
Question: If you were in a darkened, museum at night filled with tonnes of creepy shit with the lights kept flicking on and off and you kept hearing the sound of a dog vomiting; what would you do?
I would run as fast as I could to the nearest exit and never look back. Now I can't run that fast...but I would at least try.
Yes! The dickhead security guard has been killed! First highlight of the film. The CGI creature that killed him did look kinda interesting.
Wait a second...when the security douche was killed by the creature he fell face first to the ground but when C.S and Tara Nipples find him...he's lying on his back. That's Bullshit! He was stabbed in the back of the head...there is no way he could have rolled over!
So the monster now tries to kill C.S and Tara Tits but S.D and his 713 buddies show up, break some windows and fire a few bullets. Pretty standard stuff...much like the film version of The Relic...except The Relic was a good film and this is a worthless pile of iguana droppings. S.D is in full arsehole mode in this scene...which doesn't make the film any better. I will say this...I do actually like the design of the creatures. They are pretty standard as far as monsters go...but still...they look cool.
Next is an autopsy scene which looks pretty pathetic. It appears C.S has one of these weird spine worms inside him...just like that evil bald dude did.
So we now cut back to the museum where L.O.P shows up and basically abuses Tara Push up Bra before he leaves in a huff. It turns out he has one of these creatures locked up in a cage somewhere (it's another location...don't ask) where he takes some of its blood and injects it into himself. That is just sick man...I hate needles. It turns out the creatures are called "Xenos" Wow...that sounds nothing like Xenomorph at all.
This film jumps around so much its making my head hurt. It's now 41:46 into the film and we get another boring C.S monologue...Shut up already!
Okay at 44:37 Tara Breast Milk shows up at C.S's place and just starts having sex with him. She takes her top off but not her bra. WTF? Get them out woman...help make this film better! The sex scene is like most of this film...awful with no real emotion or meaning behind it. I wish women would just walk into my house and start having sex with me. I mean I did email Sophie Howard my address...so may-be one day...
L.O.P then shows up at the other doctor dude's house (the one who is friends with C.S) and attacks him, dropping a weird centipede creature into his mouth. This scene is so disgusting and not in a good way.
We now cut back to C.S's place where Tara Dirty Pillows has her glasses back on. I'd say it's an improvement...but it isn't really. The lights then start flicking on and off again which means another "rousing fight scene" is about to begin.
So a bunch of Xenos show up along with a few zombie-like people and try to kill C.S and Tara Boob Tube. This scene is so confusing it makes any Michael Bay film look like the work of Ridley Scott. It just keeps flashing from dark to light and we see a bunch of random creature shots and bullets flying everywhere. Lord Wukong...please save me from this film!
On a positive note...the song played during the "fight scene" is called "Ghost" by the band Mnemic. It's awesome. Check this band out...they kick major arse. Shame their music is used in this pile of turtle excrement...hopefully they'll get another chance in a better film someday.
Bureau 713 then show up to help/save C.S and Tara "I can't think of any more breast puns" and C.S actually manages to save S.D from a zombie minion with a miss shot. I'm serious...it's so bad. It misses the zombie by like half a metre. And of course after that S.D and C.S are friends again. Lame!
So the film moves to another location now...an old mine where all the creatures seem to be coming from. Hopefully this film doesn't go for much longer...it may kill me. Bureau 713 shows up at this mine with all their guns, tanks and helicopters while C.S, S.D and Tara Reid take a small team down into the mine itself. I'm now an hour into this film and I'm in a great deal of pain. My feet hurt so much!
I've also noticed that Tara Mammary Gland doesn't really say or do much in this film...apart from wear glasses and be random "I hate you but I'll fuck you" whore. Well...I guess that's what she's good at.
The Xeno creatures now attack the Bureau 713 guys and its pretty much more lame effects and terrible camera work. I do like the design of the Xenos and how they stomp around all pissed off and stuff...but still...nothing could possible save this train wreck now.
The Xenos are clearly not fucking around here as some leap into the air and bring down the 713 choppers in what has to be the film's best overall scene. I love it when animals do stuff like that. Meanwhile down in the mine C.S, S.D and Tara Reid just walk around. This is basically just padding and I must state that it's very boring padding.
The last of the 713 agents are torn to shreds by the Xenos and finally I can focus on one group and one location. Shame the film is nearly over!
So C.S and friends actually find the secret underground lab of L.O.P and find out that the Xenos were in fact found (or created) by 713. Wow...now that's a great twist. I didn't see that one coming.
L.O.P suddenly appears going on about some key or something for a door that could lead him into a better film but S.D puts an end to him with a underarm knife throw to the chest. That knife must have gone straight into his heart because L.O.P dies pretty much straight away after he does this strange dance move while firing his gun into the air. Hang on a second...what about the Xeno blood he injected into himself? Why did he do that? Didn't it give him any special powers? Answers movie...I want answers!
So...the door leads to a underground cave filled with Xenos...Oh God No...please...someone end this bastard of a film. Well...I soon get my wish as S.D sacrifices himself to seal the creatures in their lair allowing C.S and Tara Reid to escape. Of course they escape into a city that has been completely evacuated in one night. Now that is just stupid.
And guess what? At the 86 minute mark...we get the last C.S monologue.
Help! Help me!
So the film finally ends with C.S and Tara Reid getting attacked by something Evil Dead style and the credits thankfully begin to role. What the? Wait a second...there is a Nightwish song playing during the credits. How dare they! First Mnemic and now Nightwish...that's just cruel.
This film is fucking shit!
Everything about it is shit!
The acting is shit!
The story is shit!
The effects are shit!
The cinematography is shit!
Christian Slater is shit!
Stephen Dorff is shit!
Tara Reid is shit!
Uwe Boll is shit!
And Alone in the Dark is the biggest fucking piece of shit I have ever had to sit through!
I will never watch this film again and I will never watch another Uwe Boll film as long as I live! That's it...I've had enough...I'm going to bed.
I'm not even going to score this one...fuck it!
I hate you Uwe Boll!
Written in December 2009 by Kay Williams and used with his permission.
comments powered by Disqus
that's between you and the vengeful wrath of your personal god...