Ghidrah, the Three-Headed Monster (1964)

Guest review by Michael Martinez. Thanks!

(Nate lost the screen capture files, because he sucks, but they are being replaced soon.)

Of all the Godzilla films this is probably the most divisive of all. There are two camps--those who find this film a true classic of the original Godzilla series, and those who absolutely loathe it as being the beginning of the end for the evil antagonistic Godzilla we had all come to know and love. I'm pretty firmly in the latter of the two camps--I have nothing but contempt for this film... raw, seething hatred. Yes this movie deserves to die a thousand deaths even though it has one or two good scenes, and introduces Godzilla's best opponent ever (the title monster).

Undeniably, this film represents a huge turning point in the series, veering away from mean-spirited city destruction of old into more comical light-hearted monster- on-monster action. That makes it more kid-friendly, but even as a kid (this was the third VHS tape I'd ever bought after Godzilla vs. Megalon and Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster, for the hefty price of $15.00 back in 1988) I had always found this film an immensely disappointing and displeasurable viewing experience. It takes three unforgivably HEINOUS missteps in my opinion--A) it introduced the idea of a "good" Godzilla, B) it introduced the idea of "talking" monsters, and C) absolutely no military response whatsover!! I rest my case.

Toho studios had a huge success in 1964 with Godzilla vs. Mothra, which sure, is not perfect but has cemented itself as one of the most popular films of the franchise. Sure, I loved it due to A) the suit, B) the 20 minutes dedicated to Godzilla getting pummeled by the JSDF, and C) lots of Godzilla roaming around destroying things. The moth was completely incidental to me and I always Fast- Forwarded through the dry talky bits where the main characters went to the twin fairies' island. Sure I may not represent the average Godzilla viewer per-se, but I was in for a total shock with what was to come with this one.

Toho took their success quite seriously and decided to rush out a sequel in less than 8 months. Unfortunately they attributed this success to the things that have irritated me about the Godzilla series ever since, and then amplified them all 10x for this film. This film has a lot more monster vs. monster (with more monsters), more "cute" larval Mothra, even MORE twin fairy scenes than the last one, and even takes more odious steps such as introducing the anthropomorphization of the monsters! Add to that some ridiculous slapstick comedy and a goofy human plot involving silly assassins attempting to off a silly princess who is possessed by silly aliens, and you get one crap-tastic pile of toxic crap that did much more harm than good, not only to the Godzilla series... but to humanity in general. It also scarred me for life, irreparably, at a very young age. I'm considering pressing charges.

Anyway, on to the show...

For once, the American and Japanese versions are pretty similar, though the American version does some serious scene rearranging and most unfortunately cuts out a few minutes of monster destruction (and thankfully a lot of singing too). Also, the dubbing and picture quality on the US print is quite hatefully poor and the sound is uncommonly bad, even by AIP or Sandy Frank standards. However, it is the more common version and the easier version to make fun of, so I'll stick with that version (mostly) in this review, though I'll try to address the differences as they come up.

Both versions open with the credits superimposed over footage of the monster fights from later in the movie. This is pretty stupid as it kills a lot of the suspense and the sense of surprise when we finally get introduced to our main monsters later on. Apparently this film shall star Godzilla (well duh), larval Mothra (in a rather ragged, shopworn-looking suit they unwisely decide to freeze-frame on, revealing a torn seam), Rodan (nice to see them bring back one of Toho's most beloved monsters, but his appearance is now all fucked up), and an even more ominous monster of whom we only get to see a few brief glimpses (the title one, and I'm going to call him "Ghidrah" for this whole review because that's how I was indoctrinated, even though the canon has shifted to the more accurate translation "Ghidorah"). *EXHALES* Whew, do I get a Guiness award for longest run-on sentence?


This version has the original Japanese language track with subtitles, by the way.
The semi-excitement brought about by the opening monster action immediately comes to a screeching halt with a sleepy night time scene involving scientists and astronomers hopefully standing around some equipment. Apparently they're waiting for the big moment when aliens shall finally make first contact with Earth, which they seem to think will happen that very night for some reason. They even seem to think there's a time-table that the aliens are assumed to stick to, though how would they ascertain this without previous contact? This whole scene is absolutely retarded and it just hurts me to write about it, but unfortunately it sets the tone for the whole rest of the film.

When the aliens miss the deadline, the disappointed scientists immediately name the young woman reporter among them as a scapegoat because her disbelief in aliens "frightened them away". Young Woman Reporter is played by 21-year-old Yuriko Hoshi, who played an identical role in Godzilla vs. Mothra but has a different name this time around (I don't get Toho continuity for the life of me). Since I can't keep Asian names straight if the fate of the earth depended on it, and can't really think of any universally famous young woman reporters, I'll just go for an old one... and I'll call her "Connie Chung". There, that's Asian, kind of.


Connie Chung.
Suddenly a brooding James Earl Jones-ish scientist who I'll just call "Professor Smartyhead" chimes in to chide her even more, explaining that aliens are responsible for all sort of crazy unexplained phenomena. Smartyhead is played by 60-something Sensho Matsumoto, who had a pretty brief career as a stock Toho character actor. Apparently in the universe of this film, there's a strange heat wave hitting Japan in the winter, and since this is the mid 60's with Al Gore unfortunately too young to show us the error of our ways, this is attributed to extraterrestrial intervention.


Professor Smartyhead.
A woman at a telescope notices something and all the scientists come rushing in. They're re-disappointed to see that's it's just a brilliant meteor shower. Meanwhile one meteor comes crashing down onto Japan and impacts somewhere in the wilderness, though it doesn't really cause that much of a crater or explosion or much fuss at all for that matter.


If you have the option to watch a movie in its original language, always do so, dubbing has a way of stupid-ifying everything.
Depending on which version you're watching, around here is when we are introduced to our young hero of the film, Detective Shindo. Because with this film the Godzilla series is mid-process of "jumping the shark", I'm going to start drawing parallels to another series that did so even worse (albeit more recently), so I'll just call him "Detective Luke Skywalker" for short. Detective Skywalker is played by 28-year-old Yosuke Natsuki, who got his big start playing the lead role as a Nakajima Bombardier four years earlier in Storm Over the Pacific AKA I Bombed Pearl Harbor, and you might remember as the professor in Godzilla 1985. Natsuki here plays his role as good as any other stock Toho performer, though he tends to veer into overdramatics on occasion. Of course he starts as a wimpy loser but gradually comes face to face with insurmountable evil, learns to use the force, saves the day, and wins the girl (kinda).


Detective Skywalker.
Skywalker first meets with a nondescript newspaperman (in the Japanese version only) and discusses the recent heat wave over Japan. As to why this heat wave subplot is significant to the overall plot I still am a bit confused as its forgotten about pretty quickly. Perhaps it was just thrown in to add an eerie atmosphere to the whole thing? Maybe just a red herring? Trust me, it shall be one of many.


Love those 1960s skinny ties, so retro these days, but so classic here with a white button-down and slacks. Oh, and nice flowers.
Detective Skywalker then meets with his mentor "Chief Kenobi" played by 36-year-old legendary performer Akihiko Hirata, best known as Doctor Serizawa from the original Gojira film. Chief Kenobi just nonchalantly informs Detective Skywalker that he's suddenly (!) the official bodyguard (!) for a princess (!!) of a fictional Himalayan kingdom (!!!) who is already on her way to Japan (!!!!) for some reason. Wow, I'm glad her kingdom can afford to not take any precautions or even warn their suddenly-recruited employees of a great impending responsibility. Detective Skywalker seems pretty shocked and baffled but at the same time a bit excited and full of derring-do.


Chief Kenobi.
Insta-cut to a de Havilland Dash-8 Bombardier... wait that can't be right since they weren't invented until 1982... yeah I don't know my propeller passenger planes too well. (Do you got this, Nate?). Actually it looks more like a lengthened C-130 with only two engines and really, REALLY big windows. Who cares?


That's gotta be a kit-bash, Toho loves these.
Anyway *shakes head*, aboard the plane, the princess is riding along merrily enough. The Princess is played by 23-year-old Akiko Wakabayashi, best known to us Westerners as a double-entendre-spounting Bond gal, "I will enjoy very much serving under you" in You Only Live Twice before totally dropping off the map. She's a princess and claims later to be from space, so for the sake of continuity, I'll call her "Princess Leia".

Even though the plane's in-flight, the princess is strolling around the place without a care in the world. Notice she's in the process of attaching a gold bracelet to her wrist and has a long white glove on underneath which would have been impossible to put on without removing the bracelet. Why do I draw attention to this? Well, it's later an established plot point that the princess NEVER removes her royal bracelet. I guess even princesses can slip up on protocol every now and then... or else it's a hole in the plot. It's dawning on me here that her kingdom is obviously a sub-in for Nepal, which has undergone some tumultuity with its monarchy over the years while being constantly threatened by its aggressive neighbor Ghidrah, er um, Red China (more on this later).


The Princess models a bracelet from the Lynda Carter collection.
Then we have a really, really awkward cut to an interior of some royal palace with guards in silly Santa Claus uniforms marching everywhere. No establishing exterior shot, no change in music, no headline "Meanwhile back in Fictional Country", or nothing. The first time I saw this film I thought "man, that airplane must be REALLY big!". A goofy looking person of distinction with A) a white mumu, B) a purple sash, C) a frilly white collar, and D) some sinister sunglasses (!!) walks in up to a man seated in a princess chair (!!!).


Ha, those are Santa hats. Seriously, Santa hats in a Godzilla movie, this is inexcusable.
The guy with the glasses is the obvious villain of the film, a hired assassin named "Malness". However, since that's a goofy name and he's the hired-gun sinister bad guy, I'll call him "Dark Glasses" in keeping with my Spaceballs / Star Wars theme. Dark Glasses is played by strangely young 26-year-old Hisaya Ito, who also played a scientist in Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster. Even though he gets out of that silly getup after a few scenes, he never removes his sunglasses the ENTIRE movie, even in the night scenes. Obviously this film heavily inspired The Matrix.


Dark Glasses, sporting a Tudor ruff, which does a spectacular job of robbing him of his manhood.
His boss has no name, but I'll just call him "Blofeld" (not "Emperor Palpatine" because that's just gay) as he's the main bad guy and is seen here only from behind. Unfortunately he's not petting a cat, BUT he's still dressed pretty goofily and is seated in a thatched princess chair! Blofeld is played by 45-year-old Toho performer Shin Otomo, who made a career out of playing nondescript police officers, but had a good role earlier as an escaped convict in Godzilla Raids Again. Blofeld has a super-brief conversation with Dark Glasses about Princess Leia, in which it is indicated that a bomb is on board her plane and that she's sure to never reach Japan. Fictional Himalayan Country TSA is apparently even more useless than ours, but I bet she didn't have to take her shoes off.


Blofeld, maybe those are kitchen doilies.
Back on the plane, the princess is approached by a super-creepy looking lackey in another frilly Snow White-esque costume. Man, these costumes are killing me almost as bad as when I reviewed Latitude Zero. Lackey is played by 38-year-old Eisei Amamoto, best known as the evil creepy villain "Doctor Who" (!!!!) in King Kong Escapes. Come to think of it, he made quite a career playing super-skinny creepy guys.


"Princess, do you notice the light fixture on the wall behind you? This is not a plane, but clearly a hotel room in Tokyo, badly dressed by a location manager who spent all his department's budget on sake and geishas."
Lackey just emits a quick spout of banalities along the lines of "hey, congratulations on getting away from the bad guys and I'm sure we're totally safe as they'd never think to put a bomb onboard". He leaves and the princess looks out the window to see a sudden burst of light out of the night sky. An ultra-focused beam of light then shines on her as though someone is holding a flashlight in her face perfectly still through the window. An ethereal voice commands her to stand up and leave the plane (!!!). The princess seems to be in a trance, and obediently gets up and opens the outer door all zombie-like.


Raccoon-vision.
The plane must be at an awfully low altitude as her opening of the door causes absolutely no pressure loss, only a slight breeze which briefly annoys her servants before the bomb goes off (right on cue) and they all blow up. Notice that the explosion disintegrates the model plane instantly, not even setting fire to the fuel. The sheer power of the explosion suggests the bomb consisted of at least 200 sticks of dynamite, which you'd think would have been quite difficult to conceal.


Too much magnesium in the charge, looks great on color stock, but not exactly accurate.
Later (I guess?), a Japanese mountaineering crew assembles near the Kurobe dam to seek out a meteor which hit in the mountains nearby the previous night. They're carrying a shit-load of gear, amazing me that even the Japanese would be so completely prepared for such an expedition in less than 12 hours. The expedition is led by a very familiar face to Godzilla movie fans--38-year-old Hiroshi Koizumi, best known for his starring roles in several other Godzilla films, beginning of course with Godzilla Raids Again. He's a HERO "B" of our film, a scientist obsessed with meteors and loves to hike and camp, so now I'll go with a War of the Worlds reference and call him "Dr. Clayton Forrester". The group promptly embarks on a hike up into the mountains because for some reason the weather (?) precludes searching for the meteor via plane or helicopter. Now time for some serious adventure movie padding with... you guessed it, rock-climbing!


Doctor Clayton Forrester.
Yes, minutes and minutes of rock-climbing, though this one is a bit less tense and dramatic than usual. No major cliffs to scale, just a jaunty hike through the Japanese wilderness. The American version replaces Ifukube's score here (and in a lot of other parts of the film, but not the entire film, mind you) with more "dramatic" sounding stock music. I'm not sure on the sources, but one of the stock tracks that plays during this hiking sequence also popped up in Night of the Living Dead a couple years later. Overall, I'd say Ifukube's music is better and much more consistent, though much less exciting than a lot of the other scores he was making at the time.


"Look, it's Iron Man!"
At one point Dr. Forrester notices that neither his, nor any of the other members of the expedition have working compasses (the meteor apparently knocked them out, just like War of the Worlds!). Having then to rely on a clearly cut TRAIL, the mountaineers finally come across the meteor, (which is revealed via an ultra-cheesy zoom-cut) they're shocked to see that it didn't make a huge crater. Immediately they set up camp, but the suddenly-magnetized meteor begins to glow blue (!) and sucks in all their pick-axes and shovels. Still, I'm glad I'm not the only one who saw the original '53 War of the Worlds... but boy did that Spielberg remake suck.


Those are the least functional mountaineering hats ever.
Back at police H.Q., Intrepid Detective Skywalker confidently loads his .32 Walther PPK only to be disappointed by Chief Kenobi, who informs him that the princess blew up the night prior. Skywalker gets a little perturbed since the princess was so beautiful and didn't deserve to get blown up for political reason... plus he finally had a serious shot at some royal nookie! I guess that means ugly princesses not involved in politics are fair game?


"Crap, my Wii processor crashed, again! Fuck Nintendo."
We then go to Connie Chung, who is at work listening to her earlier audio recordings on a reel-to-reel (remember these? I don't...) when in bursts her editor, 32-year- old legendary kaiju actor Kenji Sahara in a humiliatingly small cameo. The editor gets on her case for not coving a breaking story involving the sudden appearance of a crazy woman spouting nonsense. Wait, this is "NEWS"?? Hell, just pick any underpass in my town and you're likely to find at least two of those... but they usually don't look this good.


Chick on the far right is cute.
Holy surprise, the prophetess turns out to also be Princess Leia (!), who has somehow survived the fall from the exploding plane and has consequently lost her marbles! She's preaching to a disbelieving crowd of gawkers, complete with a rather frightened-looking group of Japanese baseball players. Here comes the other big change in the American version--in the American version she claims to be from Mars, and in the original Japanese version she claims Venus. Why they changed this, I can only surmise that A) it's easier to dub Mars over her lip movements, or B) America at the time was quite ashamed that Russia was beating its ass at Venusian exploration and wanted to draw as little attention to that planet as possible.


The prophetess, smoldering with that "my mother always said you were a bum" look in her eyes.
Either way, we're supposed to think the reason that the princess is acting this way because those aliens who mysteriously saved her life have somehow reprogrammed her to warn the earth of "great danger". She will remain in this disembodied semi-catatonic state throughout most of the film to my utmost displeasure. Connie Chung pops by just in time to hear the prophetess warn them all that Rodan is still alive and well and hanging out at Mt. Asu on Kyushu. This would seem to tie this series into the continuity of the first Rodan movie and mean that one of the two monsters somehow survived being buried for seven years.

Immediately on Mt. Asu the authorities investigate and some dorky scientist (do they have these just waiting on station at every Japanese point of interest?) explains to a crowd of concerned citizens that the crazy woman's assertions have no basis in fact. I'm amazed that they'd take some random crazy woman so seriously... I mean really... so I could just call up Japan and make some prank call that a giant mutated hamster is hiding underneath the Imperial Palace and they'd actually investigate? Cool!


A crowd gathers early to get Panic at the Disco tickets.
Back to the meteor, Dr. Forrester and his crew are busy looking at it with determined expressions on their faces and saying things. For some reason it's not magnetized anymore, but one of his guys claims that the meteor's getting bigger. Wow this is just like War of the Worlds. The crewmen mostly want to call it a day and go back home but Forrester balks at their cowardice and plans to study the meteor further... and further and further...


The meteor.
Okay, back at the ranch (the Skywalker/Chung family household), we're treated to more of the same usual ridiculous Toho main character linkage coincidences. So apparently Detective Luke Skywalker still lives with his parents AND his sister Connie Chung, who just happens to be dating Dr. Clayton Forrester. Damn, it's like Ghidrah expert -central here already and they haven't even introduced any monsters yet!

Sensing this, the writers oblige us with a (very) overlong TV segment where the Skywalker/Chung family watches a stupid children's variety show. Man, 60's live entertainment sucked... and if this is any indication the Japanese had an especially brutal time of it. Two stupid-acting (and badly dubbed) show hosts introduce two five-year-old (and similarly badly dubbed by adults trying to sound like) boys who demand Mothra be the surprise guest on tonight's show.


Check the little boy on the right, he clearly isn't comfortable with this.
The English dubbing in this scene is quite queer. For some reason the hosts call Mothra a "science fiction monster" (!!??) even though this film seems to follow the continuity of Godzilla Vs. Mothra quite closely and Mothra is shown to be quite a reality (and a famous one at that) in this film's universe. Dr. Forrester even has a speech later in the movie where he refers to the earlier movie! Also, the boys respond by saying, "it's a fake!!". Huh??? I never got this.

Anyway, the hosts cart out "the next-best thing" (whatever...), the tiny twin fairies of Mothra Island / Infant Island / Island of Peace, who I'll just call "Mary Kate and Ashley" (played by the 23-year-old Ito twins who make their final appearance as these characters), who just happen to be in the neighborhood to promote their new line of Mothra plush dolls... or something.


Mary-Kate and Ashley play Dance Dance Revolution.
Now on to my single LEAST favorite aspect of 60's and 70's Godzilla films, a song and dance number! Oh great merciful Christ, just kill me now! Kill me. Even being strangled with piano wire beats listening to the Ito twins warble on for minute after excruciating minute. Oddly, the English version feels compelled to TRANSLATE the song into English via a blandly-read voiceover. According to the voiceover, larval Mothra (one of the two larvas died, I guess, because the suit got too banged up) is now the reigning ruler of the island. He doesn't do much but lie around looking bored while the local population ceaselessly prays to him. That's kind of the trade -off with living in a South Pacific paradise; spending 100% of your time worshipping an overgrown grub.


Friends don't let friend use split screens unless it's an episode of The Monkeys.
Back at the ranch, Detective Skywalker checks out the paper to see a picture of the local crazy prophetess woman. After a super-double-take he realizes that the prophetess looks just like the princess who supposedly got blown to smithereens a couple of days ago. He rushes into work to show Chief Kenobi the photo. Kenobi indicates that the only way to positively identify her is to see if she's got the royal bracelet (?). Based purely on Skywalker's hunch, the Chief Kenobi gives him carte blanche to investigate / guard her, but seriously, why do these movie-cops always have so much freedom in picking their assignments? Is it really a good idea to put a detective on a case of "guarding the alien prophetess" rather than out preventing Sarin nerve gas attacks and serial stabbings?


Anne Hathaway makes a far prettier princess. Just sayin'.
Unluckily, the bad guys back in Narnarland have a copy of their same paper (why would they bother reading the Japanese newspaper in some random Himalayan kingdom? ...how could they, anyway? The language/writing barrier would be quite severe!). Maybe a paid snitch back in Japan sent it in to them based on a similar hunch? Anyway, Blofeld is quite pissed that the princess is still alive. Dark Glasses is dispatched to identify her and murder her... and to fail means death. The English dub hilariously closes his order with an ominous "hmph" sound. What?


Got to get me one of those chairs.
Dissolve (if we're watching the American version) to the Tokyo airport where a Japan Air 707 lands. Man there's a lot of non-Asian people on this plane. Did he get to Japan indirectly via Australia? Dark Glasses ominously exits the plane where several ominous thugs in 30's Chicago Gangster-style garb and moxy greet him with an ominous black sedan and a promise of a room at a "quiet hotel". Nobody wants to assassinate anybody before sleeping off some serious jet lag. One of the thugs is dubbed with a Mexican (??) accent, complete with the line "if they got brains enough they [the police] won't care about us", but it sounds more like "browns enough". Either way... Huh?


Seeking to avoid the line at the baggage claim, the Flash risks exposure by using his superpower after deplaning.
Back at the police station, Detective Skywalker miraculously located the Princess's bracelet on the person of a local fisherman. The fisherman claims that he found the princess floating at sea and traded her jewelry for his clothes. Wait, if they're in Tokyo that would mean he was fishing off the east coast, but the plane was inbound from the west! Nobody seems able to figure out how the princess was able to survive a plane explosion so...


Seriously, who would do this?
Suddenly comes the most awkward segue/cut in Toho history. Prof. Smartyhead is at his desk next to a globe, geekily discussing how the earth passes through several dimensions yadda yadda. What's strange is that the whole scene is just an uninterrupted lecture with him breaking the fourth wall as though the audience is his subject. This reminds me of the "educational warmup" which preceded The Mole People, only it comes awkwardly shoehorned-in mid-film! This is completely weird and goofy and feels like it was shoehorned in to supply a lousy explanation as to how someone could live through their plane getting blown to tiny bits mid-air. Couldn't they just have assumed the princess found a parachute? ...or better yet, that she's an Olympic class highdiver? ... or maybe the plane was flying super low to the water, like to avoid radar contact or something? WHO CARES!!!!?!?! Jesus Christ let's get to the city stomping already.


Oh, yeah, that's the blue-screen model for the alien fighters from Battle in Outer Space and The Mysterians right there. Is there some link that that continuity?
Fuck, this movie is really boring (and writing about it is even worse). The next thing we see is Connie Chung out on a play date with Dr. Clayton Forrester and her brother Detective Skywalker. Why is Forrester not with the meteor? Did he just get bored and decide to go for a jaunt in town? What about his important amazing discovery? Was his innocuous coffee date somehow more important? Where's this guy's priorities? Probably the same place mine are...


This hurts my back just looking at it.
A news report on the coffee shop TV segues us back at Mt. Asu where Princess Leia is back to her old song and dance to warn the tourists of impending danger. She claims that the monster Rodan is still alive and well and shall soon awaken to kill them all. Of course, nobody believes her which is very odd considering that TWO of such beasts popped out of that mountain eight years prior according to this continuity.


"Repent!"
One of the gawkers suddenly loses his hat to an updraft of wind. His stylish new hat then unfortunately plummets down into the crater, attracting the attention of a nearby profiteer who offers to retrieve the hat for 200 yen. Wow, 200 yen? Isn't that like $1.50? Is that REALLY worth crawling into a smoldering volcano over?


What's Jackie Kennedy doing here?
Anyway, the hat-retriever climbs down into the crater only to come face-to-face with Rodan bursting out of the rocks. Exactly what becomes of the man is not explicitly shown, but we can safely assume he was crushed under the avalanche of falling rocks. In a sequence which could almost be considered good (complete with thousands of panicked civilians fleeing and loading onto tour busses), Rodan emerges from the crater and flies to freedom. Unfortunately the director decides to cut away just as things are getting good.


"Jethro! Git in the truck!"
Let's talk about Rodan's appearance really quick here. For some reason the Toho people felt compelled to drastically alter his appearance. Granted, his appearance in the original Rodan differed radically from shot- to-shot over the course of the film. However, here they decided to reduce Rodan's beak-size, add two random whisker-like protrusions on his face, and give him Big Bird-esque googly eyes. The worst alteration has to be with the shape of the neck and head, which is straightened and rounded to make him look more human-like than ever. Also, they screwed up his distinctive roar! In his first scene he sounds just like Godzilla--and that goes for both the Japanese AND the US versions.


"Rah! I'm a seagull!"
Meanwhile at the Yokohama dock, Mary Kate and Ashley are about to board their ship back to their island amid much fanfare and publicity. Out of nowhere Princess Leia pops up and orders the ship not to sail because of "great danger". How did she get all the way there from Kyushu so quickly? If it is several days later, what's Rodan been up to and why isn't everyone concerned about him? For some reason she refuses to get more specific than "great danger" so the captain balks and sets sail anyway. Godzilla movie fans may recognize the captain as 46-year-old Yoshifumi Tajima, who played the evil businessman Kumayama in the previous film. Connie Chung shows up and escorts her "big scoop", Princess Leia away. Wow, what are the chances?


The ship's crew.
Back at the meteor, Dr. Clayton Forrester is sitting around bored with his men. The meteor has continued to grow but otherwise hasn't done much to keep them (or us) interested. Right when they're about to pack up and leave the meteor suddenly becomes magnetic once again, sucking in all their picks and shovels. Look at the side of the screen when the last rock flies onto the meteor--you can see a crewmember's hand toss it in!


Lord, tell me those aren't moose on his sweater. I think I saw one of those at Buffalo Exchange the other day.
Connie Chung checks in with Princess Leia at a quiet hotel (assumably also in Yokohama as we see later)... and so does (you guessed it!) Dark Glasses and his henchmen. They even actually walk right past each other in the hallway! You mean to tell me that the bad guys just happened to also be checking in to that very same hotel and at that very second? Man, as a "mark" or whatever, the Princess really couldn't make her assassin's job any easier. Why'd the aliens choose such an unpopular high-profile public figure to take over (as we're led to believe) anyway? It just lends unnecessary risk to their whole "plan" to warn the earth. Well they did get one thing right in taking over a hot chick, as that instantly gives her more credibility whilst raving about aliens and destruction than, say a 10-year- old kid or... I dunno... Howard Hughes?


Dark Glasses and LL Cool J enter the scene.
Upon getting settled in (why are they in a hotel anyway as opposed to Chung's house?), Chung is startled to see that Mary Kate and Ashley hitched a ride in her tote bag, actually heeding the princess's warnings. Chung grills both them and the princess over what is exactly going to happen to the boat... but they just look at each other and refuse to answer. This would be quite infuriating had the film not wisely decided to cut away.


Who makes their clothes, Tinkerbell's tailor?
A dark and gloomy night. A Japanese merchantman (hey, one of the exact same models we saw destroyed so liberally a year earlier in Atragon) chugs along through the night. In a strange couple of shots which I still don't quite understand, we see what looks like a group of whales high-tailing it on the surface of the ocean nearby.


Still think this is a great model, no matter how many movies it shows up in.
This seems a touch strange, but the camera swiftly pans over to reveal the true horrible fate for the ship. FINALLY, at nearly 40 minutes into the film, Godzilla makes his appearance by soggily rising up out of the ocean, which looks about waist- deep to him unless he's mastered treating water with no swimming adaptations. Needless to say, Godzilla roasts the poor ship, but not before it comically honks at him as though to tell him to "Get the %#*&% out of the way!".


Jazz hands!
The American version really makes a mess of this scene by adding in a few close-ups of Godzilla from later in the movie, plus lots of Rodan flying shots. It's like the movie is trying to insinuate that Rodan angered Godzilla enough to surface and destroy the ship, rather than to just be a random malicious act. This would prove to be one of Godzilla's last such acts in the series. It also represents the last usage of the neat suit from Godzilla Vs. Mothra, in what would go on to be a common practice in Godzilla movies, to use the suit from the previous film for the water sequences.


Rodan against the moonlit clouds.
Back at the hotel, Chung has managed to get Princess Leia all dressed up and nice looking (where did she get the dress?) when she receives an urgent phone call from her brother and leaves the room. This gives Dark Glasses and his assassins (who are just "hanging around" in the hallway outside) ample time to pick the lock and enter the room, assumably sealing Leia's doom.


Classic black frock, very slimming. She needs a string of pearls or maybe a pendant necklace, though.
However, these assassins are anything but Agent 47. Actually they must have gone to the James Bond Community College of Evil Henchmen because their tactics here are absolutely useless. Rather than just sneak in, kill her, and flee, the assassins just stand around Leia ominously and threaten her for several crucial minutes. Only when the princess admits to have given her bracelet away does Dark Glasses finally muster up the courage to (slowly) recoil his arm to stick her with his pocketknife.


The princess menaced by the goons.
Now comes a serious movie pet-peeve of mine--the easily distractable villain. Right as Dark Glasses is about to make Swiss cheese of the princess, who is just standing there passively as though she just WANTS to die, the two fairies hit a (somehow very accessible for a 3-inch-tall-person) light switch. This ruins everything and the villains run around confused. This coincides with Connie Chung and her brother Detective Skywalker bursting into the room and shooting up the place.


In other movies (notably 1961's Mothra) the twins showed the ability to teleport.
Somehow in all the confusion the bad guys neglected to stab the princess (who two of them were holding when the lights went out), but they did all manage to escape from the window. Also, the princess managed to hide in the fireplace (why would a hotel have one... especially with nothing in it?) where she's busying herself by reading a book out loud (in the dark) but in some nonsensical foreign language like Eperonto or French or something. I swear I'm not imagining this; it's far too dumb to make up.


Do fake fireplaces cost more?
Now at past the 40 minute mark, the film finally gets to its obligatory city stomping, though this scene leaves a lot to be desired. For some reason the American version switches it all around to make it seem like Godzilla's in some other city than the protagonists... it also reuses a couple shots of Godzilla wading past a burning ship which give the distinct impression that he's not making any progress whatsoever. The plentifully populated shots of people running and screaming look nice, but Godzilla's city destruction really sucks. We only see him knock over a small radio tower and then smash a warehouse with his tail. Man this scene is a mess--look at the editing where Godzilla looks up at Rodan and roars (this film is insinuating that Godzilla is following him with the desire to rumble in the countryside). It jump-cuts twice in some bizarrely French New-wave-ish way. Huh?


Godzilla makes his move.
Godzilla looks to be in the more-or-less the same suit as before in Godzilla Vs. Mothra. The only alteration is the head in an effort to make it smaller and easier to operate. The result makes Godzilla look a little cat-like with a lack of chin and two lumps over his mouth where whiskers should be. He's slowly starting to look more and more like Cookie Monster, which would certainly be the case with the suit used in the next several films.


Atrocious, just atrocious.
Back at the meteor (god I hate how this movie keeps switching back and forth between all these subplots, but at least this scene is the last of this one), Dr. Clayton Forrester and all his fellow scientists are disturbed from their sleep to find the meteor bursting into a sea of sparks and flames. Forrester even draws a Geiger counter and the reading is going off the charts, indicating the meteor has suddenly gotten radioactive.


Stay away from the Tripods, they will roast you with their Heat Rays.
Before you can say "hey that plot device was also ripped right out of War of the Worlds", a particularly violent explosion billows up and (in a nifty effect combining rotoscope animation with a couple super-imposed explosions) Ghidrah, the Three Headed Monster makes his bigscreen debut.


Wicked painted on the hood of a Chevy Nova.
Ghidrah AKA Ghidorah AKA King Ghidorah is one of Toho's more impressive monster creations. Think a golden scaly 3-headed Chinese dragon (I'm telling ya, this monster is supposed to represent China) with no arms, but with a stocky 2-legged, 2- tailed body, and massive bat-like wings. Each of the three "Manda"-like heads sports a pair of horns, a set of beady eyes, and a toothy maw, seated at the end of a long snake-like neck. The three heads move wildly and independently, seemingly under little or no control. Each one can fire its own energy beam (like a yellow prolonged bolt of lightning) which will cause whatever it hits to explode and/or burst into flame. On top of this, Ghidrah has the same abilities as Rodan to fly really fast and produce typhoon-power winds with his wings (though this ability is seldom used). Even with a dozen technicians assigned to this bad boy, he must have been a bitch to operate. Tsuburaya sure had his work cut-out for him.


Ghidrah.
Now cut to some mental research clinic where Detective Skywalker and Connie Chung have dropped off Princess Leia for a CAT scan to find out what's really wrong with her. It's not made clear which one of them is floating the bill for all this, but I assume they have a nice stash set away since they both live with their parents.


Love those eyebrows, so sharp you could cut yourself on them.
The doctor here is played by 59-year-old legendary Japanese actor Takashi Shimura in a surprise cameo! Since the original Dr. Smartyhead suddenly no longer exists in this movie, (perhaps he got ill or there were some bad contract re-negotiations would he realized how much the script sucked) I'll call Shimura "Smartyhead 2.0". Smartyhead basically just declares his impotence at curing the girl's condition, but expresses hope with a new experimental drug he's just got... uh-oh, is this before the FDA?


Shimura could out-act everyone in this movie combined, and I feel sorry for him.
The patient suddenly sits upright on the table and declares to the medical staff that the world is in great danger (well, duh), and that the real reason is the monster Ghidrah who will kill them all. She also identifies Ghidrah as the monster who destroyed her home planet. This raises a lot of questions which were only partially answered in Godzilla Vs. Monster Zero the next year. Actually, that movie ruined a lot of the promise from the "helpful dead alien civilization" subplot in this film. In that film it turns out this whole thing (warning and all) is just a big ruse to open the door to alien invasion... a plot which is ridiculously convoluted and flimsy (as Nate here goes into GREAT DETAIL in his Monster Zero review).


I'd hit that.
After an amusing instant cut to an evacuating city (I'm assuming Nagoya?), an "emergency wagon" (do these really exist?) patrols the streets broadcasting via loudspeaker to everyone to evacuate and board up their stores. The funniest thing it says is that "the monster has been identified... it is... GHIDRAH!". What? Did the doctors immediately phone in to the authorities the princess's mad rambling? Why does she get to name the monster? Why not one of the scientists who first discovered him? Did they all die?


Classic old Nissan there, drop a turbo-charger and a new Getrag five-speed tranny in there and you've got a burner.
Easily the best scene in the film commences as hundreds of panicked civilians start to flee madly. Ifukube's score really hits a home run here, especially with his trademark "Ghidorah Theme" which has become as iconic as the monster itself. In a neat bit, a bunch of Japanese businessmen assemble on a rooftop and enthusiastically point to a dot far away in the sky. This dot gets larger and larger until it's revealed to be the titular titan and bringer of destruction to all. Disappointingly, and I mean *really* disappointingly, all Ghidrah gets to do is fly over Nagoya Castle, causing some shingles to rip off the roof. Oh no, Ghidrah is so far responsible for maybe $20,000 in damages... the world sure is in great danger alright...


Are those fish sculptures there on the eves?
Okay, at this point the Japanese and US versions are totally divergent, making my job as a reviewer QUITE difficult. Not that the plot is any different, but the US version shuffles the confusing multitude of subplots around to the point where it's impossible to describe both versions at once. Let's just say that meanwhile in some version, Godzilla is then milling around in a lake in front of a painting of Mt. Fuji. Rodan flies in and knocks Godzilla down into the water. Super-pissed, Godzilla gets up and looks around. Then, in perhaps the single least-impressive effect of the film, we see the silhouettes of Godzilla and Rodan (apparently hung by strings) dangling in the background while screaming civilian yell out "Godzilla... and Rodan too!". No, really?


Godzilla uses his secret weapon, a plate of hot wings with the Atomic Fire Sauce.
Now comes the obligatory government / military meeting where several public figures join to discuss what to do about the monsters. This must be one of those weird invitational government / military meetings, because almost everyone in the cast is here... but there's only like 100 extras at most. Doesn't the local population want in on all this? Dr. Clayton Forrester is there, as well as Detective Skywalker and his sister Connie Chung, who also brought a padded box with Mary Kate and Ashley (I hope that little box has a lavatory). The meeting is being broadcast on TV, immediately catching the attention of Dark Glasses and his assassin friends, who are watching this scene in a cafe. Connie Chung slips up and announces that the princess is being looked after at the brain clinic... instantly cluing in the foreign assassins.


Notice the only women in here are the recorders and secretaries? Misogynist bastards.
First on the agenda is the solitary military general who touts his "new approach" to dealing with the monsters. What exactly this new approach really is is left to our imagination. He also brings up nuclear weapons, though idea this is (as usual) quickly shot down. About the only thing of value he adds is stating that the military is keeping track of all three monsters.


That monstrous window trim behind them makes them look like they are six-inches tall.
Mary Kate and Ashley address the council who are hopeful that they'll deploy Mothra to defend Japan from all these monsters. Man that seems desperate. If you're watching the Japanese version, the girls start up with yet even MORE singing... OH GOD NO NOT MORE SINGING!!! Luckily the US version cuts this waaay down to just one verse of "Mosura! Mosura!" as Mothra departs from the island and off on his big quest for manhood. It also wisely decides to cut straight to some patented Ghidrah city-devastation.


Missing from this picture: My mortal soul expiring.
The meeting is interrupted by Ghidrah flying in and laying waste to Tokyo. Plenty of yellow lightning bolts rip through the city, ruining a healthy dose of Eiji Tsuburya's finely detailed miniatures in an impressive array of pyrotechnics. Most of these shots would be recycled several times over the course of the next 10 years in various other Godzilla movies. Unfortunately there's quite a few effects that totally don't work, like when Ghidrah zaps up an amusement park and knocks over a bridge... the bridge stays together in one solid piece as it falls over! Gotta give it to those Japanese engineers to designing such solid structural marvels!


Ghidrah was not pleased with Tokyo's version of the Saint Louis Arch.
Back at the mental health clinic, Smartyhead II and Detective Skywalker have the princess under some kind of hypnosis, in which they grill her to spill the beans on her mission to Earth. According to her, not only she, but all humans are originally Martians who were brought to Earth when Ghidrah killed Mars many thousands of years ago. Okay that's kind-of neat, but does that mean Ghidrah's been spending the last thousand years just zapping a bunch of dead Martian rubble? Does that mean the meteor originated on Mars and somehow launched itself toward Earth? How did that happen? Are there many Ghidrahs?


Note the Rorschach ink blots on the wall, very Martha Stewart.
Dr. Smartyhead recommends using some mild shock treatment to snap the princess out of her catatonic state and trusts the detective (!) to go into the next room and set the voltage for him. Unsurprisingly, Dark Glasses and the rest of the assassins are lurking right outside the window and overhear the whole thing. Once Skywalker sets the voltage, Dark Glasses sneaks up and maxes the power out to a fatal 3000 volts. Why would they even have a setting this high? Of course, being a bad guy plot, it is doomed to failure as the Doctor and Detective decide to stall by "check the connections" before frying her, robbing us of a very amusing scene where the princess blows apart on the operating table.


Was this prop later used in the TOS episode Spock's Brain?
This gives Godzilla and Rodan ample time to actually interact with this subplot (finally) by duking it out in the fields nearby. Most of this fight is incredibly lame and consists of hand puppets batting each other on the forehead. At one point, Rodan actually picks Godzilla up and flies several hundred feet off the ground with the big G in his clutches. Rodan then drops Godzilla right on some high tension power lines right when Dr. Smartyhead was about to throw the switch! Damn these Toho coincidences! We woulda had Princess Flambe had he not dilly-dallied so much!


Godzilla's nads were burning after that night of steamy passion with that Thai hooker, but it was so worth it.
The power outage prompts Detective Skywalker to check the voltage room where he gets assaulted by a barrage of bullets. A lame gunfight quickly erupts in which Skywalker heroically shoots a bad guy in the wrist while the rest of the bad guys just duck for cover and shoot at nothing. Why are they so cowardly? There's only one of him and all he's got is a .32 PPK with a lousy seven bullets! Dr. Clayton Forrester and Connie Chung luckily arrive right in the nick of time. Forrester immediately grabs a handy wrench (?) and hides next to a doorway. He swings and whaps the first man with a gun who walks out, who just happens to be one of the bad guys. What if it was Detective Skywalker? What if there were more than one?


Odd that he would only button one button.
Anyway, Dr. Forrester picks up the assassin's gun and gets in on the action, prompting Dark Glasses and his gang to all jump through the window and run away like scared rabbits. What a bunch of pussies! I mean, seriously! They came thousands of miles to kill someone but are easily scared away by a detective with a PPK and a geologist with a wrench! How much are they getting paid anyway? Are they getting paid? Did Blofeld just pay them all with threats of killing them like he did with Dark Glasses? What? They don't seem terribly motivated...


"I shoot your laboratory!"
Now that the film has completely lost monster-momentum, it decides to finally throw in more-than-we-wanted fight footage between Godzilla and Rodan. Godzilla breaths his radioactive breath at Rodan at point blank range several times, but it ineffectually comes off as more or less just a bad case of halitosis. The fight mostly degenerates into rocks getting tossed and Godzilla falling down and getting pissed.


Godzilla never could figure out how to get that road map to fold back correctly.
All the relevant protagonists then are among a massive group of refugees apparently fleeing the devastation. Suddenly Mary Kate and Ashley order them to stop the car and get out because Mothra has finally appeared and they all have to go see for some reason. The characters just park and leave their car in the middle of the road, blocking it for all the other refugees. How thoughtful.


Notice how that chauvinistic bastard makes the girl carry that heavy box? Bushido, my ass.
Mothra slithers up to Godzilla and Rodan who are busy playing hot potato with a boulder. All this time, Mothra keeps looking back and forth as though he's a spectator at Wimbledon. The fight finally ends when Mothra sprays some of his web silk on Godzilla, seriously raining on his parade. Rodan laughs (!) at Godzilla but then is surprised to get silked himself, prompting Godzilla to laugh (!) and patiently sit down (!!!!!).


Mothra went out onto the porch to see Godzilla and Rodan humping and had to turn the garden hose on them to get them to stop.
Now the single most ridiculous scene in the movie clunks in with Mothra conversing with Rodan and Godzilla about how much of a danger Ghidrah is and that they all must team up to fight him. Of course Rodan and Godzilla are less-than-enthusiastic about this idea and just want to keep fighting. The whole conversation is made even more irritating because it's narrated by Mary Kate and Ashley, who have to say everything in unison to my utmost annoyance. The one exception to their translation is when they say "my Godzilla, what terrible language!", utterly ruining his mystique once and for all. Utterly cringe-inducing.


Ever notice that there are hardly ever any trees in these movies?
Meanwhile the assassins are tearing it up in their ominous black sedan, rudely knocking refugees out of the way in a desperate bid to get the hell out of there. Right on cue, Ghidrah flies in and zaps the mountainside, causing a massive avalanche which buries Dark Glasses and his henchmen under a pile of rocks. All the bad guys seemingly perish but Dark Glasses survives and stumbles off into the woods with a scoped sniper rifle. Where did he get this? Also, why are the windows on the car totally shattered when they were totally fine on the last shot after the avalanche had enveloped the miniature car? Continuity, people...


Did they even have tempered safety glass in 1964?
Ghidrah touches down in some village and starts raising hell, zapping random structures giving a group of nearby cowering peasants much cause to panic and scream. Mothra has just had it with Godzilla and Rodan and decides to go "fight" Ghidrah himself. Luckily for slow-moving Mothra, Ghidrah is literally just over the next ridge from where all the monsters had been conducting their conversation! What a coincidence! It's like Ghidrah just wanted them to come to him!


In Kung Fu Panda III, Po is fried like a wonton by Ghidrah, thus ending the franchise once and for all.
Of course Mothra is completely outclassed and ineffectual against Ghidrah and really takes a beating. For some reason Ghidrah's lighting breath doesn't actually physically damage Mothra, instead launches him violently into the air repeatedly. Godzilla and Rodan have a change of heart seeing their friend (?) get his ass handed to him, so they both step in and tag team it. Godzilla charges at Ghidrah first and gets a zap of yellow lightning right in the chest. This only angers Godzilla more, who lunges onto Ghidrah only to get knocked over and into a bridge, covering himself in debris.


I swear this very same bridge has been destroyed in like fifteen Godzilla movies.
Rodan swoops in and appears to just hover for a second and swat Ghidrah's heads in the faces with his feet!! Ghidrah takes the bait and flies up and after Rodan, who suddenly shifts directions and kamikazes right into Ghidrah, knocking Ghidrah violently down onto the ground. Godzilla then offers Mothra a neighborly ride on his tail!!! Rodan hides behind some rocks which Ghidrah repeatedly zaps, causing Rodan to dodge out of the way each time like a whack-a-mole. Repeat process ad nausem.


"Ima gonna getcha!"
While all this is going on, Princess Leia just wanders off (!!) into some secluded valley and starts praying to the heavens to deliver them all from evil yadda yadda. Extremely unluckily for her, she's walked right into Dark Glasses's crosshairs, who is perched on a nearby outcropping on the adjacent cliff.


Leia prays to her Martian gods.
Detective Skywalker saves the day... kinda... by jumping in and distracting Dark Glasses, who gets off several shots but only succeeds in stunning the princess, causing her to stumble and fall deeper into the gorge. Skywalker and Dark Glasses trade a bunch more shots, but unfortunately Glasses must have gone to the Imperial Stormtrooper academy of marksmanship. Give me a break! He's got a .380 rifle with a scope and seemingly limitless bullets, but he's unable to hit two stationary targets who are only capable of returning fire with a .32 Walther PPK! Perhaps he'd be a better shot if he'd TAKE OFF THE DAMN GLASSES!


Remember when Luke kissed Leia the first time and we thought it was kinda hot, and then we found out later they were brother and sister and we got a little creeped out, but still thought it was sorta hot? Good times.
Skywalker dives down after Leia and makes himself her human shield, receiving a non- bloody mild nuisance of a shoulder wound for his efforts (okay, maybe his rifle is just a pellet gun?). The princess regains consciousness and appears to have finally come out of her Linda Blair-ish state. She seems to recognize Dark Glasses and seems to think that yelling "Traitor!" at him will somehow help (it doesn't). Just when it seems like it's lights out for our heroes, Dark Glasses ominously stands up (!!!) to deliver the fatal blow (prolonging it all enough to give a deus ex machine a chance to step in and kill him as all villains do).


My face is artfully grubby, but not a single hair is out of place.
And what do you know, right in the very nick of time, a stray lightning bolt (the American version cuts in a shot of Ghidrah zapping Godzilla in the groin [!!!], then a stray shot off to nowhere, making this all make a little more sense) hits the hillside above Dark Glasses, sending a massive avalanche right down on top of him. He turns around just in time to catch (!) a boulder, stand there for a second, and THEN fall down to his doom. Well, his stuntman anyway. No more Dark Glasses.


Godzilla has the power of the Schwartz! Thank you, I'm here all week, try the veal.
Back to our monster fight... Mothra is biting at Ghidrah's tail(s), Rodan is hopping on his head(s), and Godzilla melees it with his fists, taking most of the abuse. Ghidrah knocks Godzilla away zapping him right in the rump. Godzilla staggers away and distracts Ghidrah while Mothra climbs onto Rodan's back and the two go for a joyride. Godzilla then sneaks up behind Ghidrah and grabs onto his tails, spinning him in a circle as Mothra/Rodan give him a fly-by silking.


Ghidrah gets gang-banged.
Once thoroughly cocooned, Ghidrah stumbles to his feet only to have Godzilla hurl another boulder at him. This constitutes the breaking point in Ghidrah's morale, as he has finally had enough. Though covered in web, Ghidrah manages to take off and fly high into the stratosphere, seemingly away from the earth. The other monsters stand at a cliffside and laugh (!!) at the fleeing sissy. But wait, does this mean he can just fly off into space? What's going to keep him from coming back... or simply flying to some other part of the Earth to bring even more devastation? How are those wings going to provide any forward propulsion in the vacuum of space? Why am I reading into this film so closely?


You'd think that Rodan, like a normal bird, could fold his wings in to his sides, instead of always having to stand there with them outstretched.
Cut to the Tokyo Airport where the princess is making her farewell speech. She thanks Detective Skywalker for saving her life, no doubt disappointing him heavily that he didn't get to score. However, his sister Connie Chung is there with Dr. Clayton Forrester (my, he sure didn't have much to do in this film, did he?) but he doesn't even have his arm around her or nothing. They're not even holding hands or even looking at each other. Did they break up or something? This ending ain't so happy!


"Enjoy it while you can, because you are never going to lay a finger on me."
Look behind the princess--there's one out-of-focus extra who looks quite disturbingly similar to Dark Glasses! She's doomed, though judging from his accuracy I doubt he'd even be able to hit her if she was in a window seat and he had the aisle seat next to her! Skywalker gets to then gaze longingly at the Princess's departing 707 as it disappears off into the sky. Everyone else pointlessly waves.


Goering leaves Tempelhof to thunderous applause (I'm so going to get emails).
Meanwhile Rodan and Godzilla are parked on the same bit of shoreline where they saw Ghidrah make his big exit, likely already as bored as the rest of us. Now that they've settled their differences, what really is there for them to do? They're essentially just two irradiated giant animals... but they apparently don't need to eat or sleep or have any others of their own species to mate with. So what is there for them to do other than mindlessly roam around and destroy things? I mean really, what are they going to do now... pick up some hobby or something? Knitting? Mary Kate and Ashley get to ride Mothra back to the island and wish them all the best of luck.


"Hmm...so, do you wanna go to Chili's?"
What a shitty movie... what a great big pile of ass-burger. May the scriptwriter rot in hell. I'm glad I'll at least never have to watch it again... but curse you Nate for making me have to write this thing. I just happen to have a cousin with dark glasses and a bad aim who lives within Ominous-Black-Sedan-driving-distance of you, so watch out.

THE END.

Written in June 2008 by Michael Martinez and used with his permission.

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