Battlehawks 1942 (1988)

'sup, Senior Research Intern Kelby here, though I don't want to be. I'd rather be doing anything else other than reviewing this rotten DOS video game, but my boss said that I need to start doing more around the office to earn my paycheck. It seems, or so he so cruely insinuates, that I spend too much time drunk in the alley behind the liqueor store and my desk is full of prescription drugs and lottery tickets. I'm at the office at least once a week, mostly, I really don't know what more he expects of me.

I have better things to do most Tuesday afternoons.

But, fine, whatever, I'll review your stupid ancient video game. I'll admit that I've never played a video game before, mostly because I lack opposable thumbs, but also because I think they're dumb things that dumb humans do when they should be cleaning out my litterbox or bailing me out of jail (again). Let's get this over with.

How am I supposed to type on this with no fingertips?

Ha! Tandy. Wait, what's a Tandy? How old is this crap, why do I have to run it from the command line?

Oh my sweet Kitty Jesus, look at this shit. Is this really the best you humans could do in 1988? How have you managed to conqueror the planet again?

The bright primary colors sure are pretty, I'm sorta mesmerized. Like when I see a bird outside the window or when the lights at the strip club start flashing.

Why do you humans aspire for powered flight when there are perfectly good hairballs to cough up. Your priorities are out of whack.

Blah blah blah, whatever. I just want to shoot at things.

Alright let's get it on! Controls are simple and easy to learn, just the mouse for direction and a few keyboard commands for throttle and flaps. I suppose a joystick would make it easier, but MMT doesn't have the budget for that.

That blob is shooting at me, what the heck! The enemy flak is murderous in this game, low-and-slow approaches will get you a coffin almost every time.

Fuck yeah, look at that, I hit that carrier real good! That dude sure is happy for me. Wish my mom loved me as much.

Let's fly some more! Many missions involve trying to protect your carrier against enemy attack. Maybe 10% of the time I managed to do that, the rest of the time my flattop ended up fishfood, usually while I was futilely chasing some fighter around for half an hour.

The feedback on your guns is weak, so you end up just holding the trigger down on the off-chance something runs in front of you at random. You'll run out of ammo often.

You can get side and rear views with keyboard commands. That's the carrier I was supposed to be protecting there, burning to the waterline because I suck.

Nice, real nice, humans.

Problems I noticed? It's rare that you get a good, clean deflection shot on an enemy plane because of the crappy controls. And even when you do, you never really know if you hit it until it either explodes or you run out of bullets.

Another major problem with this game is that you will stall out too frequently because you have no real feedback on how fast you are going or what your angle of attack is. It's easy enough to recover from a stall, just push the stick forward to gain some speed, but it's super annoying to have to do all the damn time.

And because I can never, ever figure out how close I am to the water (the altimeter is a joke), I end up crashing into the sea a lot on accident. I rarely see that warning on the bottom there until it's too late to pull out. Which is what she said.

Ok, that's all for this review, I'm off to the strip club now.

Good thing MMT keeps the petty cash drawer unlocked!

The End.

Written in September 2016 by Senior Research Intern Kelby.

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