Ho ho howdy folkses! Welcome to the Eighth Day of The Twelve Days of Shitmas! Our previous feature was comfy and familiar, full of tried-and-true holiday traditions and warm, wholesome treats for the whole family. Today's choice is something a little more recherche. It's the first and only Christmas program I've ever seen that was produced in Quebec, and if this is typical of what they consider holiday entertainment it will likely be the last.

Oui! C'est le Noel de la merde!

We're posting a new review of a different Christmas special every other day, culminating in what we consider the worst of the bunch on Christmas morning. To be honest today's selection is more of a gag gift than a proper present. You should probably just leave it wrapped. Then you can more easily pass it along next year to someone you don't like.

Build a roaring fire and pour yourself a glass of caribou, mes amis. Grab a bowl of ragout de pattes de cochon and a generous slice of buche de noel. It's time to head on up to The Great White North...French Canada...the wild and wooly land of toboggans and reindeer, fur-trading voyageurs and Molson-loving black bears with thick Quebequois accents.

It's a rugged, unforgiving landscape populated by hardy folks fiercely protective of their language, culture and local traditions. They're famously adept at hunting, fishing, and outdoor survival skills, but not quite so proficent when it comes to the whole Christmas movie thing. Sure, they tried to come up with something different from all the maudlin, cliche-ridden crap we get shoved down our throats year after year, it's just that they didn't seem capable of developing their ideas beyond an initial 3 am "What if...?" drunken epiphany.

In terms of narrative The Christmas Martian is positively threadbare with an indefensible quantity of time-wasting filler. Worst of all it commits the cardinal sin of being incredibly dull. I can put up with a lot of ridiculous low-budget nonsense, but once you've bored me you'll never get me back.

We open with a brother and sister running along the side of a snowy road on their way to the grocery store, having a little talk about how much fun their two-week school vacation is going to be. These are Kathy and Frankie (or "Katou" and "Francois" in the original French). They decide to have a race to see who can get to the shop first, and each time little sis starts to pull ahead, big bro pushes her face-first into the snow.

I have an older brother and can totally relate to this.

The kids make it to the shop and grab the bread, turkey stuffing, cottage cheese and cookies they were sent for, and as they're chatting with the old coot behind the counter we cut to outside where we see a leg-level shot of some unusual trousers poking around in the snow. As the legs pause outside of what we can only assume to be a building with some sort of red flashing on its foundation we hear a woman scream.

Why, yes. That is macrame on his pantaloons. Thank you for asking.

I think we're supposed to assume the owner of the macrame trouser legs was peeking into somebody's window, hence the scream (which is never referenced again, by the way), but it's never clarified, and the next shot showing him in all his resplendent fur-clad glory doesn't provide any further context. It also doesn't match up with the previous shot in any way.

Get used to this kind of sloppy editing because you're gonna see a lot of it.

There were no storyboards or continuity people. There may not have even been a script.

The Macrame Man walks into the store, inexplicably emitting bubbles, presumably from his anus, and proceeds to pour an entire bag of jelly beans into his mouth.

More macrame. His costume was probably made in a hippie commune by someone named Sunshine Tarragon Moonflower.

The Old Coot and the two kids watch in astonishment as the Martian scoops up about twenty bags of cookies and runs out with them.

This is exactly how I felt the whole movie.

I suspect the two children were less annoying in the original French. Their facial expressions and body language are consistently natural, and their relationship as a normal pair of siblings is clear and believable. Unfortunately the English voice actors never shut the fuck up. They chatter on and on, providing a superfluous running commentary on everything they're doing as they're doing it, as if we're not watching them do it right the fuck in front of us.

The Old Coot calls the police and we see a cop car fishtailing along an unplowed road. They stop and ask the kids if they saw the wacky fur coat guy, but when they say "yes, he was making funny noises and blowing bubbles," the cops get annoyed at them, assuming they're lying, then drive off.

Now we get the first of many random, non-sequitor scenes of the Macrame Martian doing something wacky or absurd. He walks in little curlicues across a snowdrift and with each step there's an obvious edit and a little green plume of dust fans out from his feet onto the snow. This is accompanied by some of the most unspeakably awful music I've ever heard in a film. It's a frenetic, irritating, rhythmic "boinging," like a sound effect from an early arcade game, given a little plucky electric bass and looped into something resembling an abstract melody. The soundtrack alternates between this crap and a generic, syrupy pop instrumental that sounds like a Summer's Eve douche commercial.

For when your Martian has that not-so-fresh feeling.

Even more time-filling shit now, as the kids get a lift in a horse-drawn sleigh by one of their neighbors. The guy lets Frankie drive and Kathy sings "Jingle Bells" really badly. In theory it's wistful, sweet and innocent, but in practice it's not so much "childhood wonder" as "I wonder when something interesting is going to happen."

The answer is "never."

We cut to the Old Coot in his store surrounded by a bunch of neighbors listening to a report on the radio about a UFO being spotted in the area. It seems one of the townsmen, a portly, balding fellow with a fur cap, actually saw it himself, but the others don't let him expound upon his story, preferring to shame and insult him into silence.

Meanwhile the Martian, presumably feeling some heat from the fuzz, pops into a phone booth and "zap!" He's suddenly dressed like an old lady, wearing a black coat, skirt and curly wig. A taxi pulls up and pitches him for a fare, but the Martian pulls out a giant matchstick, lights it and flies straight up into the air.

Macrame Mary Poppins.

Now we cut to the kids in their snowshoes, out on a mission to find a Christmas tree. The Martian is watching them at a distance through a weird pair of binoculars that looks like a bowling ball covered with glitter.

That doesn't seem very practical .

The point-of-view shot through this thing is like a kalaidescope and demonstrates a pet peeve of mine in cheap sci-fi films where "advanced" or alien technology is clumsy, awkward or makes no fucking sense. A plain old pair of binoculars would be easier to carry and conceal, and would certainly provide a much clearer view of what he's trying to look at than this huge, conspicuous piece glistening plastic shit.

What's the advantage of insect vision?

The kids walk around in the snow for what seems like about two and a half hours, chattering incessantly, and all the while the Martian is watching from above like a tree-bound Peeping Tom. They glide down hills on their snowshoes, walk up and down snowdrifts, roll around in the snow and talk, talk, talk about the snow and the fun they're having in the snow doing all of these snowy things we're watching them do in the snow. It's like watching an old home movie of people you don't know that you found in a bin at a yard sale for a nickel, which you only bought because they threw in the projector and a spare bulb for an extra buck and you couldn't pass up such a bargain.

Now they get down to business and pick a tree, and we get to watch them painstakingly trim away the bottom branches and slowly, carefully chop at it for fully half a day until they get it to fall just right.

Do we really need to see this?

Now they drag the tree through the woods for approximately seven hours while the douche commercial music plays. They eventually find some of the footprints with the green plumes around them leading up to a tree atop a hill. Frankie thinks he sees someone hiding behind it, and as they climb the hill to investigate the tree starts moving and speeds away!

Comedy ('ka-me-de): Professional entertainment consisting of jokes and satirical sketches, intended to make an audience laugh.

The Martian escapes, and the kids follow the green prints until they reach a spot where the prints just stop in the middle of a huge drift. Frankie blows a bubble with his gum and casually declares "Well...I guess he just flew away!" like he sees this kind of shit all the time.

Kathy finds one of the big Martian matches lying in one of the footprints, and before Frankie can stop her she lights it on her snow shoe and flies straight up into the air.

She floats around up there for about twelve hours, while both kids ceaselessly whine, cry and scream to the point that you kind of start hoping the match blows out and she falls to her death.

That would be a very different film.

She swoops close to the ground, lets go and lands hard, but gets up quickly and says calmly "Well at least we know why there are no more footprints." Jesus, these two are unflappable, aren't they?

Back at the general store the cop and the taxi driver join the guys who were standing around shooting the breeze and listening to the radio and swap their stories about the strange shit happening around town. The fat guy who mentioned before that he'd actually seen the flying saucer gets to flesh out his story now with a flashback from the night before. It seems he'd snuck out of bed and was stuffing his doughy gob full of leftovers when he suddenly saw "a big, glowing egg in the sky!"

He'd have tried to eat it if it had been just that much closer.

He says it was "the biggest egg anyone ever seen," insisting "it would have won first prize at the county fair!"

"That's a mighty bold claim."

We cut back to the kids now as they crest a hill above an old quarry. They look down into the disused diggings and see a big red flying saucer! It's a full scale prop and I must admit it's surprisingly well-designed.

Doesn't look like a damn thing like a prize-winning egg, though.

Kathy asks if maybe they shouldn't be a little frightened at this point, the first sensible thing either of them has said so far, but Frankie dismisses her concerns, saying matter-of-factly "It's just a flying saucer, just like you see on TV!"

There's absolute no respite from their mindless nattering in this scene. Just as with every other damn thing they come across throughout the film they describe every aspect of the saucer in vivid detail, and I can only conclude they both suffer pressured speech as a result of untreated ADD.

They poke around the thing for maybe three and a half hours, but finally Frankie finds the entrance and they decide to go in.

The set of the saucer interior is also quite good for the era in which this thing was made, although it's just a wee bit too large to fit in what we saw from the outside. Obviously the saucer prop and this set were where most of the budget went.

I think I saw this as an art installation at MOMA in New York.

The Martian shows up now with a strange device in his hand, accompanied by a lot of flashing lights and bippy-boopy-buzzy noises. The Martian and the kids kind of stare at each other awkwardly for awhile and we finally get a good solid look at his ridiculous costume.

Christ, it's even worse than I thought.

The Martian waves his hand over a neon light and a little glass tube points directly at the children! Frankie yells "Look out! It's a Ray Gun!"

Now we cut to Frankie and Kathy's parents listening to another radio report talking about the UFO sightings and other weird events in their town. Mom suddenly remembers that her children haven't been home since last Tuesday. She seems ever-so-mildly concerned but Dad says they're probably just out having fun and enjoying their vacation.

"It's so nice and quiet here now. Maybe they're gone for good!"

Back in the saucer the kids, thinking they're about to be atomized, hit the deck like it's the battle of the bulge. A glass tube suddenly starts emitting what they at first think are dangerous projectiles, but what actually turn out to be delicious candy. It pours out so much candy, in fact that both Kathy and Frankie are soon completely buried!

That's some hardcore Willy Wonka shit, right there.

As soon as the kids realize they're not dead they join the Martian in stuffing their faces and tossing around handfuls of the candy they're all lying right on top of with their damp, smelly, filthy clothes.

Once the esurient gluttons have had their fill the remaining candy gets sucked back up into the tube and the place is as empty as when they arrived. They all sit Indian-style on the floor now and the Martian encourages them to speak into a little handheld device that collects their words and turns them into some kind of linguistic broth. He uses another device to distil the broth into a form he can ingest.

Take a hit of this,'ll really make you fly!

He takes one swig and can speak Russian, then drinks a little more and can speak what sounds like Swahili, then finally after his third snork of the stuff he can speak perfect English...or French if you were watching this on TV in Quebec back in 1971.

They have a chat and sadly we discover that the Martian talks just as incessantly and pointlessly as the kids. He speaks in long, dull run-on sentences with lots of "ah's" and "um's" and after awhile you find yourself involuntarily cringing every time he opens his mouth. He also moves his body in weird, broad gestures and makes exaggerated, cartoonish facial expressions like he's in a silent slapstick comedy. It's not so much funny as uncomfortable, and frankly his interactions with the kids, though never specifically inappropriate, always feel just slightly off. I'm not saying the guy's a perv...but yeah, he might be a perv.

Like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, he's also a Nazi.

The Martian tells the kids he hadn't intended to visit Earth at all, that in fact his own children are probably wondering where the hell he is and are at this very moment likely piling Martian furniture against the doors to make sure he can't get back into the house when he returns. He was forced, he explains, to make an emergency landing in the quarry when his space engine suddenly took a dump.

A mighty powerful dump it is, too, fueled no doubt by Martian chimichangas.

So the kids decide to help the poor guy fix his saucer. They go back into town and sneak into their house to grab some food and tools.

In the house Mom is casually doing needlepoint and talking blandly about her "worry" that her children still aren't home. It's one of those disingenuous speeches you make to make people within earshot think you give a shit about somebody you secretly can't stand, when in your heart you're actually hoping they've died in a car fire.

Dad falls back on his old "they're just out having fun" line and it's clear neither of them much care if they ever see the little brats again. The conversation turns to whether the Santa suit they have hidden in a closet someplace will still fit him. He laughs and says it will, certain that their own children will "never recognize" their own father in a cheap red polyester jacket and ill-fitting fake beard anyway because they're as stupid as they are annoying.

Kathy is ten feet away at this point, sneaking around in the kitchen and can hear every word. Her utter lack of reaction to this conversations tells me she figured out the truth about Santa ages ago, that he's actually the fat neighbor guy who saw the prize-winning egg in the sky.

The kids grab what they need and sneak out of the house, taking their skis to make the journey go faster. This leads to yet another lengthy bit of "comedy" as the Martian stumbles around clumsily and the kids ski in circles around him. It's unbearable enough on its own but that fucking boing-boing music is back, too.

What a joyous fucking romp.

I'm thinking the script, if there was one, was only about the length of one of those church pamphlets you occasionally find stuffed behind the toilet paper dispenser in a convenience store restroom, because most of this shit was clearly improvised to fill up time. This movie has "tax shelter" written all over it, from the minimalist plot to the cheap production values to the ridiculous impromptu "humor." The credits even list the Xerox Corporation as the copyright holder, for fuck's sake!

To be fair they're well-known for providing entertainment at office Christmas parties, where drunk employees photocopy their titties and ass cheeks for the holiday lolz.

So they fart around on the skis for three days, seven hours and sixteen minutes then hitch a ride with another guy the kids know with a horse and sleigh. After all that time they just wasted with the tree and skis and candy and shit the Martian suddenly decides he's in a big hurry, though and determines that this oat-eating, four-footed fucker isn't a fast enough ride. He pulls out one of his giant matches, grabs the kids and lights it up, and he and they go flying off towards the old quarry.

"Sacre bleu! L'humanite!"

We jump cut to the saucer, where the Martian climbs out of the little farty hatch in the floor and announces that he's fixed the engines. He warns the children to cover their ears to preotect against the powerful noise the thing will make when he starts it up.

Did no one teach these children about "Stranger Danger?"

He waves his hands over a few controls and there's some kind of noise, alright, but it's more like a sad trombone than a mighty roar. Alas, he has failed to make the necessary repairs and we all must endure another half hour of this dull, aimless cinematic refuse.

Kathy says "I'll go see what's wrong" and climbs down into the engine area as if she knows fuck all about advanced Martian technology, yet somehow she manages to diagnose the problem, finding a piece that's come loose from the rest of the mechanism. The piece looks more like a hunk of plumbing than the innards of an advanced propulsion system to me, but I guess I know fuck all about advanced Martian technology, too.

It's like a colorful spit sink from a hipster dentist's office.

The kids bring the thing to their uncle the welder, show him how it's supposed to fit together and ask him to fix it, claiming it's a part of an electric train set. Uncle Welder knows they're full of shit, but he's a kind-hearted fellow and fixes it for them anyway.

Once it's repaired and Uncle Welder is no longer useful to them, the kids head outside and swipe his snowmobile, saying "He won't mind!" The ungrateful little shits.

They tie a small sled to the back of it and the Martian rides behind, whooping it up and shouting "Hey! this is fun!" like a ten year old on 19th century cough syrup.

Just a reminder: this is a technologically advanced extra-terrestrial capable of interplanetary travel.

There's some more "humorous business" here where they drive the snowmobile in one door of a church and out another through an obvious edit, then another bit where the Martian falls off the sled a couple of times and the kids have to turn back and get him, and yet another where they bounce around the windows of an abandoned house via a series of jump cuts, all accompanied by the earsplitting electronic arcade music, now enhanced with stupid fucking lyrics, which the producers seem to think is sweet and wacky and fun.

It's not any of those things.

Now we get the dumbest scene in the whole movie as the children and the Martian drive up to a rink where a bunch of kids are playing hockey, and the Martian hops onto the ice belly first and knocks the puck around for approximately one week and three days.

He carries the puck is in his mouth. Please, God. Make it stop.

They get back to the saucer, the Martian replaces the spit sink and gets ready to fire up the engines. He waves his hands over the neon tubes that comprise the controls but nothing happens! Just at this moment, however, Kathy lets out an incredibly fake sneeze and the saucer roars into life.

Meanwhile Uncle Welder has reported his snowmobile missing. The laconic Cop from earlier comes in and says he'll investigate, but on the way back to his cruiser he finds the it sitting outside exactly where it's supposed to be. He goes back in and gives Welder an earful for wasting his valuable time. That's when Welder looks out the window and notices that now it's his snow plow that's missing! Isn't that just too wacky?

The Cop gets back in his car and drives off, and for the third time we see the same recycled shot of the cruiser fishtailing down the snowy road.

Back at the quarry Frankie is driving the plow around the base of the saucer mound and clearing the snow, which seems completely unnecessary considering the saucer is already perched neatly atop a plateau of snow and ready to lift off. The Martian is pleased, though and jumps up and down in quick time like he's got springs in his macramé boots. He effusively praises Frankie again and again for doing such a great job of clearing out "the launch area."

"Now how about a little kiss, sunshine?"

The Martian and Frankie climb up on top of the saucer to clean off any stray ice while Kathy waits inside of it. She's almost as bored as the audience at this point, so she starts idly fucking around with the controls and accidentally launches the ship!

The "antenna" they're holding onto is obviously a cable attached to an off-camera crane.

Frankie and the Martian struggle to hold on for a full week as Kathy frantically tries to land the thing, and eventually she manages to guide it back to the exact spot from which it took off. She comes out and runs off into the snow and the other two chase her, giggling and laughing and having a grand old time tickling and wrestling each other as if she hadn't just damn near killed them all.

Then we cut back to this fucking shot again.

The Cops enter Welder's workshop and point out to him that the snow plough he claimed had been stolen is right behind the barn now exactly where it's supposed to be. They strongly hint that they're sick of his lying bullshit and ready to arrest him if he files any more false police reports.

"But I'm too purdy for prison! They'll eat me alive!"

Despite Kathy's near-lethal escapade the ever-cheerful Martian offers to take his two new friends on a flying saucer joy ride as a reward for their "help.c

In my ongoing efforts to occasionally find nice things to say about the total shit I constantly watch, I will admit that the saucer is effective and aesthetically pleasing here and looks really terrific floating against the snowy landscape. Unfortunately that's all I've got.

That antenna just keeps getting longer and longer.

As the three embark on what will be a six-month tour, we cut back to Mom opening the oven and checking on her Christmas turkey, only to discover that it's disappeared! We cut back to the Saucer to find:

These kids are assholes.

The Martian shows the children some scenes of Mars, including pictures of cars and houses, and because the budget for this thing was approximately 75 Canadian dollars they're all cheap line drawings made by grade school students in a remedial art class. He also shows them a picture of Earth from space and talks a little about his family and daily life on his own planet.

The kids ask the Martian his name and he makes some odd noises. They say it sounds funny and he tells them it's funny in English, too. He tells them his name translates as "Poo Flower."

"Poo Flower! Ha ha ha! You're a fucking idiot!"

Once they've eaten their stolen turkey Poo Flower flies the kids over the Sahara desert and they stare at the screen like former Intern Kelby ogling a stripper. I guess being from rural Canada they probably don't get to see much of the world beyond snow and booze and herds of caribou, so just about anything he could show them would seem exotic as fuck.

Stupid hicks.

Back at the homestead Dad is getting ready to join a posse the Cops are throwing together to hunt down this here flying saucer and whoever has been stealing all those turkeys and cookies and shit.

Meanwhile in the saucer we get another stupid time-filler as Poo Flower uses a little device on his chest plate to assume a variety of disguises, much to Kathy and Frankie's delight and the audience's disgust.

They're easily amused.

He flies over the arctic circle and they "ooh" and "aah" over an icebreaker ship like it's the most astonishing thing they've ever seen, forgetting apparently that they're inside a goddamn spaceship from Mars.

Finally Poo Flower tells them it's time to head back home. They do a flyover of their town and the kids painstakingly point out every fucking building and landmark as they zoom by on the view screen. Frankie even has to mention "the road to Watertown, where grandma lives..."

A little bit of Ritalin would do wonders.

Back in town the posse has assembled, just as the flashing saucer lands in the distance, alerting them to its location. All of the townsfolk hop on snowmobiles and head out to the quarry to try to take the mischievous alien into custody.

Poo Flower and the children say their goodbyes as he walks them to the edge of the launching area. The Summer's Eve music starts playing again as he watches them walk away.

"I hope they can be spared when the invasion fleet arrives."

After a grand total of seven months, six days and twenty-two hours away the children finally return home with the Cristmas tree and sit down to eat some celery and stuffing with their mother because there's no turkey to be had for love or money since that fucking martian came to town.

At the saucer Poo Flower is going through his lift-off pre checks, when suddenly the posse arrives at the edge of the quarry.

A posse riding snowmobiles. Only in Canada.

Poo Flower is looking at some star charts and talking about going around Sirius and Alpha Centauri, which is curious because he told the children he was headed back to Mars to see his family. Is he actually some kind of intergalactic criminal on the run or are his own kids as chatty and annoying and larcenous as Kathy and Frankie and he left home explicitly to get away from them and get some fucking peace?

He looks through a periscope device and sees the snowmobile gang zipping along towards the saucer. He mistakenly assumes they're coming to say goodbye to him because he's fucking stupid.

He's also Space Elton John.

It sure is lucky that Frankie spent all that time clearing the snow from around the launch area, because the Snowmobile Gang are now able to drive right down on the smooth, level surface and surround the saucer. Poo Flower could, of course just take off and leave them circling around an empty mound of snow, but instead he steps out of the safety and security of his vessel and starts jumping around and waving at them from the snownank.

He's really fucking stupid.

Finally the idiot Martian realizes they're not there to make friends with him and he takes off running into the night.

There's an interminable chase scene now where every time anyone from the posse gets near him Poo Flower fucks with them somehow and manages to escape. He sneaks up behind one and tickles him, then stands on a hill waving the whole gang over only to disappear before anyone can get there, then he runs into a cave and when they follow him, he appears on a ridge above pointing and laughing. This is essentially a Keystone Cops silent movie chase scene, with lots of improvised schtick, stunts and pratfalls.

It played a lot better in 1915.

After an interminable shitload of slapstick that's neither funny nor exciting Poo Flower tires of the townsfolks' shenanigans and lights one of his special matches to fly up into the sky and out of the posse's view.

This could just possibly be interpreted as pro-pot propaganda.

Dad returns home after their unsuccessful search and informs Mom that the Martian got away. Its interesting to note here that Dad and Poo Flower are dubbed by the same actor and he makes little effort to disguise his voice. It's probably a result of pure laziness on the part of a jaded performer with no vested interest in the material beyond the meager paycheck, but it accidentally serves to link the two characters as paternal influences in the children's lives.

Back at the launch site the Keystone Cops and a few of the posse are still watching the saucer to see if the Martian returns. He continues to appear occasionally to fuck with them, but they're too cowed by his antics at this point to continue the chase.

Meanwhile Dad dresses up as Santa Claus to hand the children their gifts. Is this how they do Christmas in Quebec?

Because that's just weird.

Suddenly another Santa Claus appears and gives the children a big replica of the flying saucer. Dad points at the interloper frantically, shout-whispering to Mom "It's him! Call the police!"

He's very subtle about it.

The police arrive far more quickly than they should, considering we just saw them out at the quarry, a significant snowmobile journey from town.

Faced with two guys in Santa Clause attire they get confused and decide they'd better arrest them both!

I sure can't tell them apart. Can you?

Inside the cab of the police car we hear a dispatcher say that a bunch of smartypants scientists are waiting to question the captured Martian, as the interior begins to fill up with alien fart bubbles.

"What smells like dishwashing liquid?"

When we cut back to the Chief the Martian has disappeared.

The cream of Canadian law enforcement.

Back at the quarry the saucer fires up and takes off to the haunting refrain of more scented douche music, and this time it has unspeakably awful lyrics sung by a coyote with its balls caught in a bear trap.

Martian gets that not-so-fresh feeling an awful lot. Maybe he needs an antibiotic.

Poo Flower does a fly-by of the children's house, peeking in their window to say a final goodbye to his friends, then zooms off into the vast reaches of interplanetary space.

This was not good, people. The director, Bernard Gosselin, was prolific and respected in the world of documentary short subjects, but clearly had no clue how to structure a narrative or direct actors. As I mentioned before the plot was skeletal and most of what ended up on-screen appeared to have been improvised and tacked on to achieve a pre-determined running time. If this thing had been edited down to about 25 minutes it might have been a cute, if forgettable little Christmas bon-bon, but at just over an hour it's bloated to the point of indigestion. Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to find a bottle of extra-strength antacids. I've got another four Shitmas dinners to consume before my holiday celebrations are over.

The End.

Merry Christmas, folkses.

Next Installment: December 19th.

As always, Cheers and thanks for reading!

Written by Bradley Lyndon in December 2019.

Questions? Comments? Expressions of disgust? Why not skip the middleman and complain to me directly?

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