Death Run to Istanbul (1993)





So, I have this huge box of assorted random DVD-Rs, which have little more than (often inaccurate) titles Sharpie'd on them, and if I'm lucky, a smudgy date or two. I occasionally dig through this box, looking for a title that perks my attention, something unique for a new review. Death Run to Istanbul was one of those titles that just made my naughty bits tingle with anticipation as I pulled it out.

Surely this would be a ripping action/adventure yarn, maybe about a dashing English spy and his desperate race to the Turkish capital to save the world from some laser-armed nemesis with an eyepatch. Or, perhaps it was an historical epic about Emperor Constantine XI's retreat to the safe walls of the city after the disastrous counter-siege in 1453. Maybe even a post-apocalyptic downer, with leather-bound desert wanderers searching for the fabled pre-war city amidst the mutant lobsters and Amazon warrior-priestess of a nuke-ravaged Turkey. I'd even be tickled pink with a PBS documentary on the battlecruiser Goeben's mad dash through the Dardanelles to escape Vice-Admiral Milne's British Fleet in the first year of the Great War. I could get behind any of those.

But, sadly, within about three minutes it was clear to me that Death Run to Istanbul is just a steaming pile of bantha poo and my bowl of extra-butter popcorn suddenly didn't taste so good anymore. In fact, I can safely say that this is the worst atrocity of cinema I've yet reviewed, which considering the general horridness of my usual fare, that's really saying something. And that's not just empty hyperbole, I really, really, really mean it. Please, for the sake of your mortal soul, do not watch Death Run to Istanbul, unless you are on death row and have given up all hope, or you are currently, or plan to be so very soon, completely inebriated and/or stoned.

Shot on what appears to be a late 1980's 8mm video cassette camcorder and edited with scissors and scotch tape, this gem from the grandly named Vista Street Entertainment is apparently the result of the meeting of some independent filmmakers and a pitcher of margaritas. Featuring seizure-causing shaky camera work and first-take-only acting (calls for re-shoots were surely met by the director's gurgling cry of, "Do you know how much these tapes cost me?"), and filled with a cast of friends, relatives, neighbors and that smelly guy who lives under the bridge down on LaPlaya, Death Run to Istanbul is a serious chore to watch even once (and I had to do it twice!). Again, I cannot stress enough how bad this film is. You have been warned.

On with it!

We open with two women sparring at a karate gym in a scene that seems to last forever (a common complaint with this movie, usually shouted at the TV screen with great anger and frustration). They kick and swing at each other, clearly not trying to make contact, doing more fancy footwork than anything. The camera is set up on tripod and just swung back and forth to follow the action, and when one woman bends down out of frame the camera doesn't follow and you suddenly realize just what a low-rent film-school drop-out the director was. I suspect that all the actors and actresses in this movie are from this karate school, but I have no proof of this.


Sparing (blurry screen caps the fault of the backup video editor on Suzie's computer).

Every movie needs a hero and ours is Gary, a "complicated" guy who is equal parts needle junkie, kickboxer, comedian, and fool. Gary is the consummate bad boy with a heart of gold, and always wears a studded leather jacket over his white t-shirt. His floppy pompadour harkens back to cinema's more legendary dangerous men (Travota in Grease, Dean in Rebel Without a Cause, and most classically Sheen in Hot Shots).


Gary, he too broke to even order a pizza.

As we meet him, Gary is just lounging around on the street in a drug-addled stupor. Three goons come looking for him and he's not happy to see them. The three thugs (known now as JigglesTheClown, '90sPonytailGuy, and RandomGoon#1) are here to "help Gary find his wallet", as he owes their boss Alonso $50,000 and he wants it back yesterday. Gary only has 50 cents to his name, however, so they're going to have to "rearrange his kneecaps" it looks like. How did he get 50g in the hole anyway? What did he spend it on, why would Alonso give him that much? Gary is just a dime-a-dozen junkie, what drug kingpin in his right mind would stake him so much money for any reason?


JigglesTheClown wants his jack.

Gary runs and there's a slow-mo fight/chase that drags on through the end of time before he manages to give them the slip. Everytime Gary runs (and he does a lot in this movie) I laugh at the girly, swishy way he swings his arms (I'm not sure why I find that amusing, but I do). Also note that in the background of this scene we see a pukey white Mazda RX-7, the same car we will see in half a dozen scenes, always parked somewhere, lurking at the edges of the screen. I suspect that it's a crewmember's car and they used it as a prop to make scenes on deserted streets look more convincing.


Death Run...to the Parking Garage! See the Mazda?

This whole movie is set in Venice Beach, CA (not Istanbul, as it should be apparent by now that the makers of this film couldn't afford to go to Applebee's, let alone Istanbul) and for some reason we now get a solid five minutes of the camera wandering around the beachfront. There's no dialogue or actors present, just endless shots of local Venice street vendors hawking their junk, cute girls rollerblading along the sidewalks, little sandy-haired kids attached to puppies on leashes, and even what looks to be the ghost of Jerry Garcia selling surf board wax. There is no point to this scene, other than just a shout-out to their homies down at the beach, yo. Still, it does make me want to move back west again, I miss the ocean.


Bikes, blades, and babes.

Let's now meet SammySportsBra, Gary's ex-girlfriend, karate chick, and the heroine of our film. Her name alludes to the fact that she's always wearing (and flashing) a variety of sports bras in every shot, none of which are very flattering, if you know what I mean. She was one of the girls sparring in opening scene, not that you were paying attention, and she spends probably 65% of her screen-time in this movie either punching or kicking something or someone. And it's a good thing for us that she spends so much time fighting and so little time talking or emoting, because she's a fucking horrible actress (albeit a fucking horrible actress with killer abs).


SammySportsBra.

At her apartment (which is used over and over) we are introduced to her with a full ten minutes of no-dialogue set-up, with her pouring a cup of coffee, dipping in some sugar, stirring it with a spoon, drinking, pausing, drinking again, all in a single unending tracking shot. This is what passes for "character development". She then goes over and puts on a Kenny G synth tape and starts doing some lame yoga, all the while rubbing herself and smelling a scarf (don't ask). Why are we seeing this?


Uhhh...

Flashforward (or flashbackwards, we really can't tell) to SammySportsBra leaving the gym after a sparring match. She's assaulted by two drunk rednecks in the parking lot (in broad daylight, in strangely deserted downtown LA) who are looking for a good time with the purdy lady. And, stop me if this shocks you, these two mullet-head jerks are also karate experts (yawn) and SammySportsBra takes some hits before she kicks their asses. When I say "hits", I mean, of course, when she jerks away as a guy's foot comes within eighteen inches of her face. On the plus side, her sports bra is exposed (again!) as she punches out the last punk and growls, "Say goodnight, asshole!" She then walks off laughing to herself.


Fight!

She returns home to her apartment and plops down in a papasan chair, a piece of furniture I don't think I've seen since 1996. She takes off her shirt (exposing her sports bra, that's her idiom) and goes to bed as birds chirp loudly (this same soundwave clip is played in the background over and over in this movie, in every conceivable scene, on a ten second loop). I should note that it's the middle of the day and she's already in bed, doesn't she have a job?


Papasan chair.

Gary comes to SammySportsBra's apartment, stumbles up to the door and wakes her up. He makes himself at home on her papasan chair and asks for $10,000 (he doesn't even say he'll pay her back, the cad). She, of course, still loves/hates him and while she's hella-mad he's back to injecting controlled substances into his bloodstream, she'll do anything to help him. If I may tangent, why is it that all women suck? What is the appeal of the shiftless loser bad boy, somebody (preferably female) please tell me why women cannot resist the druggie/drunk/wifebeater/gangsta/wannabe when they know, they KNOW, that the only possible outcome is a black eye and all their money gone. Why? [Editor Pam: Maybe it's because we like to see ourselves as angels of mercy, with the miraculous ability to love and save even the most degraded of men? Maybe we need somebody we can feel superior to? Maybe we've been socialized to think a truly good woman is completely unselfish and sacrifices everything to help a man whom life has beaten down? Even if, like Gary, his problems are clearly his own fault? I don't know, but I have some friends who get into relationship after relationship with men like Gary, even though they do indeed end up with nothing but a black eye, or maybe worse, and an empty wallet.]


Mary-Kate Ol...er, I mean SammySportsBra talks with Gary. Note that the actor playing Gary forgot to take off his wedding ring before filming this scene, and this scene only.

Gary falls asleep on her chest while she lovingly strokes his greasy stringy hair, and he has a dream. In it, he's been attacked by some random black guy outside a gym, and for no good reason it seems. Not sure how or why or what for, but thankfully the scene ends quickly. Was that something that really happened to him, or just some twitchy fever dream caused by heroin withdrawal and her sweaty cleavage?


Dreaming on the boobs.

Rapid cut now to JimmyNoSleeves, a burly dude with Farrah hair who is rockin' his cut-off flannel hoodie and black jeans as he tries to score a phone number from some senorita in a track suit (I so miss the '90s...). He's approached by KoreanGuy, an Asian thug in a black satin vest and Chic jeans. KoreanGuy is one of Alonso's goons and he wants JimmyNoSleeves to tell him where Gary is hiding. Unsurprisingly, they get into a wicked karate fight in the middle of a park (while people mill around in the background, walking dogs, chatting with kids, totally ignoring the two guys trying to kill each other a dozen yards away). This whole scene is chock full of laughingly lame moments, such as when JimmyNoSleeves drops down and does a full splits for no other reason that it looked cool when Van Damme did one, or when KoreanGuy stops fighting for a minute to do a neatly choreographed dance-and-flex routine ending with a almost-broke-his-neck backflip. Also watch for when the two actors hold their marks until the director calls "action" and then start running, but the cameraman rolled two seconds early and caught them just standing there looking at the crew. KoreanGuy is knocked out cold eventually, and JimmyNoSleeves later talks to Gary and tells him he's on his own.


JimmyNoSleeves and KoreanGuy have a chat (can you tell which is which?).

SammySportsBra takes some time off from brooding about her junkie lover to talk to his sister Alex, who isn't exactly thrilled with her brother's antics, but still has a heart for him. Alex is a rough-looking blonde chick who, of course, is a kung fu expert (yawn!!!), and she and SammySportsBra get together down at the park for some sparring practice. If this isn't just an excuse to see two girls fighting in tight shirts and pajama pants, then I'll eat my hat. Oddly, there's some tension here and some of the hits delivered seem to have some deeper feelings behind them. As we never see these two in the same scene again for the rest of the movie, and this scene ends abruptly, we never get to learn why they so clearly dislike each other. More importantly, they stole the music for this scene from some Chinese restaurant.


Wonder Twins power! Activate! Form of...an embarrassment to your parents!

Back to Gary now. He is being chased again by JigglesTheClown and RandomGoon#1, who, for being hired thugs, sure can't seem to do anything right in this movie. Watch for the cameraman's shadow on the grass as Gary runs by, it's fantastic. He runs through a house, followed by the thugs, who get into an altercation with the hillbillies who live there. RandomGoon#1 pulls the gun out and scares them off (I say "the gun" because it's abundantly clear they only had one prop gun for whole movie, a Taurus chambered in .45 but firing pop blanks). Gary's luck runs out eventually and he's caught and taken to Alonso's "club", which is little more than a house (maybe even an empty property rented for the shoot, the boarded-up windows and generally run-down appearance of the place make me think this).


Notice how RandomGoon#1 holds the gun just by the grip, which is odd.

Drug kingpin Alonso is a greasy dude in a black suit with no tie (he does have sparkly cufflinks). He's everything that crappy independent filmmakers think about when they dream of drug kingpins (that is to say, what they've seen on Miami Vice). Alonso is neither quick-witted nor particularly adept at business or violence, making me wonder how he rose to power at all. The actor playing Alonso has also decided that he's going chew his scenery with a nice light hollandaise sauce and sauteed mushrooms.


Alonso.

His posse consists of his two molls, SwimsuitGirl and BusinessSuitGirl, plus the FlamingGayTwins (who are dressed like Flock of Seagulls), and an OutOfPlaceJew with a kippah who might be his accountant. His heavies are KoreanGuy, CloneOfBruceLee (in a Chinese restaurant waiter's shirt), and Kat (a frightening Asian bodybuilder woman/thing), plus JigglesTheClown, '90sPonytailGuy, RandomGoon#1 and RandomGoon#2.


Group shot of the posse.


Kat (aaaiiieeeee!!!).

Alonso decides to forgive Gary of his debt (whaaa...?) if he delivers this briefcase full of drugs to "a friend in Istanbul". WTF! So, the big bad kingpin is going to let someone who owes him 50 biggies just walk free if he plays drug mule for him? International narcotics exchanges are usually best left to trusted lieutenants, who will both follow your orders and not sell you out if they get caught, not to some loser who you really should just shoot, because, seriously, it's not like Gary EVER has a chance of repaying 50g to Alonso, am I right? To keep morale up in the organization, you simply cannot allow this sort of thing to undermine your authority, you have to kill him as an example to anyone else who might be thinking of skipping out on repaying you. Further, instead of taking a plane to Istanbul, Alonso wants Gary to "take a cruise" as the sea air is good for his pores or something. As we later see his "cruise ship" is just a 25-foot chartered fishing power boat, we have to wonder if the filmmakers could even find Istanbul on a map to begin with.


"Make sure you eat the lobster at the buffet, it's delicious."

Now to Gary back at his apartment with the breifcase (how can he afford an apartment in Venice when he's so broke?). He needs a fix so he calls his dealer Eddie over to give him "something to slow me down". Eddie comes over with a floozy and plops down on Gary's futon. He gives Gary a sleeping pill, waits until he's out, and then takes the briefcase and runs (thief!). Being the curious little git that he is, Eddie opens the case to find a stash of drugs and (the) gun. He realizes quick that he has to return it, this is over his head.


Eddie. I should note that he's the best actor in the entire film.

While passed out, Gary missed the boat, literally. The boat captain (you can tell by his fancy sailor's cap) is annoyed and calls Alonso on a payphone to say he's got to go, too bad for him (everyone in this movie uses public payphones, not a cellphone in sight). Alonso is fit to be tied, but, seriously, what the hell did he expect when he gave a briefcase full of drugs to a junkie and sent him off on his merry way? Dumbass.


Was this movie financed by GTE?

The thugs go and get Gary again, who still isn't in any shape to put up a fight, and drag him to the curb where Alonso is waiting in his car. He actually is surprised that his briefcase full of drugs, which he logically gave to a drug addict, is now missing and he tells Gary he's "going for a ride" with him. And what, do you suppose, type of car does Alonso, a wealthy drug kingpin, drive around in? A shiny black Mercedes S600? A long gold Lexus limousine? A massive Lincoln Navigator with tinted windows? Or how about a rusted out 1991 Pontiac Grand Am four-door sedan with dents in the quarter panel and one hubcab missing? Bingo. You think I am making this up, right?


Vito Corleone owned this exact same model, 'cept his ran on blow and the blood of Virgil Sollozzo.

Eddie gets to Gary's apartment just after he's left and decides to just come in to look around while he's here. In some amazing effect, the instant he crosses the door threshold, in the blink of an eye Eddie completely changes his entire appearance! His black Motorhead t-shirt becomes a plain white t, a leather jacket appears out of thin air on his back, his shoes go from boots to gym shoes, and his hair goes from straggly to neatly trimmed. He's surprised by SammySportsBra, who comes in looking for Gary. She smacks Eddie around a bit, she wants to know where Alonso lives and she knows he knows (she figgers Gary was taken there). Eddie tells her about a guy who lives "down at the end of 22" who knows where to find Alonso.


Eddie and SammySportsBra chat. She takes the briefcase.

SammySportsBra then fights this guy in what looks like an abandoned zoo (huh?). The girl takes a lot of hits to the face, for being the heroine and all, it's a good thing she's not here for her looks. Whoa, is this Nick Nolte in an uncredited cameo, or is this just some dude in a wig and make-up? Whoever he is, he eventually gives up the location of Alonso's Palmdale Club after SammySportsBra sits on his back and twists his arm a bit.


Nick Nolte?

At the club, Alonso and his hoodlums decide to have a little fun with Gary and (literally) nail his hand down to a pool table. Oddly, after this scene, his hand heals completely, suggesting that Gary's skeleton is made of adamantium. To further show us how dangerously crazy Alonso is, we see him out by his pool with his posse. As SwimsuitGirl strolls by the camera lens, her thunder thighs jiggling, Alonso is questioning BusinessSuitGirl about some shipments that have come up short lately. He has her shot on the spot and laughs (this is really what he should have done with Gary).


That's OutOfPlaceJew and CloneOfBruceLee there with Alonso and BuisnessSuitGirl.

Gary's sister Alex now tries to sneak into Alonso's house (how did she know where it was?) and is captured. She's put in with Gary and they talk, though for some reason there's no ADR in this scene, just birds chirping. Alex is taken to Alonso, maybe drugged, and maybe even raped. My version has absolutely no nudity (or anything even approaching it), which surprised me for such a cheapass guerilla production. Normally, "independent filmmaker" is just code for "loser guy with a camera who has figured out that the only way he'll see a girl naked is if he says he's making art and that all famous actresses started out flashing their boobs in craptastic movies like this". Surely my version hasn't been edited for the mental safety of our nation's young? Who would do such a thing?


The stand-up lighting rig keeps getting into frame in this scene, just miserable work.

SammySportsBra is also captured while trying to sneak into the club. She faces off against Kat, the freaky muscled chick, and she gets her ass handed to her. But she then is able to escape quite easily as Kat leads her off to be tied up (Kat might have pure strength going for her, but she's not exactly fleet of foot, so once SammySportsBra gets some separation, she's off like a jet and Kat can't keep up). A guy with (the) gun attempts to stop her on her way out, but he misses his cue and has to stand there for about five seconds doing nothing until SammySportsBra gets close enough to kick (the) gun out of his hand and punch him in the head. Alonso is not happy and he takes a few minutes to yell and berate the OutOfPlaceJew.


She's down!

SammySportsBra switches the drugs from the briefcase to a leather bag and hides it in her car (why?). She then instantly has French braids in her hair and a different shirt on, and then back to normal again in two seconds (the continuity editor must have had the day off). And now we have a hackneyed training montage! She kicks trees, she flexes in the park, she runs up stairs, she jogs at a steady pace, and she does deep knee bends, all to prepare herself for the coming battle with Alonso and his thugs. Maybe she might consider calling the police? She knows where Alonso lives, knows he's a drug kingpin, maybe she might think about her civic duty? Or maybe she's worried the cops will also arrest her dreamy Gary, and she's determined to do this alone, Pineapple Express-style.


Training.

Off now to the "Beverly Hills Karate Academy" (a real LA establishment where I suspect all the actors are from) where Kat and RandomGoon#2 have come to find SammySportsBra. She's not there, and the school's teacher asks them to leave. There's the inevitable fight, and in the end Kat shoots the teacher dead with (the) gun (wow, that was a weak pop, like a firecracker in the barrel). This scene is final 100% incontrovertible proof that martial arts, no matter how long and hard you train, still won't help you a lick when your opponent has a firearm.


Teacher fight (crotch cam!).

SammySportsBra finds the dead body, and she swears revenge to the heavens in Death Run to Istanbul's Oscar moment. She later goes to his grave (that was fast, she's wearing the same outfit, did they just take the guy out and dig a hole in the back yard?) and laments, "I'll get them, they'll pay for this!" as her fists ball up in rage. Of course, this would have been a vastly more dramatic moment if we had any clue at all who the teacher was more than seventeen seconds before he was shot dead. How many days have passed now since she escaped from Alonso's club, by the way? Are Gary and Alex still being held by the bad guys across town? Maybe she should be doing something, anything?


Up close, in stark sunlight, eek.

Thrown in here somewhere, just cut-and-taped in between scenes, is a little vignette where Alex's never-seen-before-now boyfriend fights a foursome of Alonso's goons who are trying to use her to get to her brother (though since both of them are already captured by now, this scene really should have been about fifteen minutes ago). The boyfriend, of course, is a highly skilled karate fighter and puts up stiff resistance before being beat down. When he refuses to talk, they break the boyfriend's neck and walk off. What was the point of this scene again?


Boyfriend is in danger (I had hair like this once, but, of course, so did my mom).

Fully trained now for the coming battle, SammySportsBra jumps in her '84 Honda Civic and follows Alonso's Grand Am through the sunny and pleasant streets of Venice (using her turn signals, safety first). Her Civic appears to have recently come from a junkyard, with duct tape residue on the window, ripped and stained seat covers, a rattling muffler, and personalized Cali license plates that read "IBSINGN". She follows Alonso all the way to his club before pulling back.


See the window? That comes from your power window motor burning out and you having to duct tape a trash bag up to keep the rain out. Been there.

She now gears up, putting on her pointlessly fingerless gloves, buttoning up her black leather vest, and sticking a pair of nunchucks in the back of her tights (which don't stay put very well, forcing her to reach back and hold them in place as she runs around). Skipping along across the driveway and over a low curb, she sneaks up and chokes to death RandomGoon#2 (though it's clear that the actress is trying almost too hard not to hurt the guy, almost like they were dating in real life).


"Sorry, hon!"

There's a party inside and a dozen or so men and women dance listlessly to some shitty frat boy electronica music. The band is credited as "The Daze" and they seem to think they are Hootie and the Blowfish (their...ahem, "music" is featured throughout this movie, and they must have been friends of the director). Scanning the crowd we see all the usual goon suspects, plus what appears to be Dave Coulier! There's also a cute-haired girl dancing in the background who I recognized as the girl SammySportsBra was sparring with in the film's first scene. Reusing extras in multiple roles is one of the clearest signs that your movie sucks.


Dave Coulier?

Kat (oh god, she's wearing a thong and a see-through skirt, I'm getting queasy) leaves the party for a bit and goes to lick Gary's face. Seriously, she just walks in, bends down, uncoils her massively thick tongue, and starts licking his face for some reason (the guy hasn't had a shower in a week, he must taste yummy!). Oddly, on the second viewing, I noticed that all of Kat's audible dialogue was cut in post-production. Her mouth moves a lot, and people seem to be listening to her talk, but all her lines are muted. I suspect that there might have been some issues with payment to the actress, which was resolved by this method (non-speaking roles pay vastly less than speaking roles, union rules).


Licking Gary.

SammySportsBra soon finds Gary and they bust out of his cell. He should ask what took her so damn long (of course, she was busy training hard to drive that Honda and step over that three-foot wall!). Hey, what about his sister Alex? She's not here, and in fact, she's never mentioned again, even by Gary. It's like she just disappeared off the earth, I hate it when that happens to major characters. The re-united couple is not looking to escape, no, far from it, they are looking for revenge against Alonso and his goons. And so we have a series of running karate/gun fights as our heroes first whittle down Alonso's bodyguards. First up, Gary beats down KoreanGuy, leaving him dazed and stuck in a trash can.


KoreanGuy in trashcan, check those awesome Velcro shoes, that's 1993 stylin', baby!

Gary then smacks down Dave Coulier (who can't do much fighting in those painfully tight jeans and suede sportscoat), and then kills Kat by pushing her against a wall (seriously).


Kat and her thong are on the prowl.

SammySportsBra then gets a hold of (the) gun and shoots RandomGoon#1 in the head (watch as the actor spins around and then gingerly lays down on the ground, "dead"). For some inexplicable reason, RandomGoon#1 is wearing clown face paint (eh?), which, in this movie, actually doesn't seem to bother me.


Ha, that "blood" looks like A-1 steak sauce.

SammySportsBra then fights CloneOfBruceLee, who comes equipped with these two "fighting sticks" that look like legs off a decorator table. Apparently, she paid him real money to throw the fight, because I see no other reason why a grown man with two sticks couldn't hit someone standing a foot away from them. She eventually tires of the wind from his egregious misses blowing strands of her hair into her eyes and shoots him dead.


Stickman!

Finally SammySportsBra fights Alonso, who, for being a pasty white guy puts up a stiff fight (and now that he's standing fully in-frame for once, we can see that he's maybe 5'2" in platform shoes). Where is Gary? Hey, what about JigglesTheClown and '90sPonytailGuy? We seem to be missing some bodyguards.


Alonso is down.

SammySportsBra and Gary then talk and she breaks up with him! Whoa, really? That's the best thing about this movie, finally, some girl gets a clue and realizes that the loser bad boy is just that, a loser, and she's better off without him. Yeah! The stinger is her, out alone atop a dirt embankment, holding the bag with the drugs in it. She sighs and tosses the bag down into the ditch and walks away. Is this supposed to represent her cleansing herself of Gary and his drug/gun ways? Why do I even care?


Breaking up is hard to do.


The end.

The closing credits last almost 10 minutes (Jesus Christ!) and are just the actors names carded over around 45 seconds of movie clips for each. As I suspect that the cast was paid in quarters and pizza, having their names on screen for so long must have been at least some consolation. We also learn that there were two actresses here with Cher-like mono-names, "Fallon" was SammySportsBra and "Eilani" was Kat. A thorough google search on "Eilani" (hey, I was curious, don't judge me) came up with nothing, but "Leilani" gave me Leilani Dalumpines, an authentic bodybuilder chick who (I believe) is in fact the woman in this movie. I'd change my name also (and this might have something more to do with why all her lines were cut).

My Research Intern Jack insisted that I put in this picture of her....


[Editor Pam: I looked this movie up on IMDb. While most of the actors did few if any other movies besides this one, "Fallon," whose real name appears to be Robin Lee, has made over a hundred movies -- most if not all of them porn, judging from the titles. Surprising when you consider how homely she looks in this one. Leilani Dalumpines isn't credited to this movie at all, although she probably isn't sorry about that. Rachel Green, who is listed as both the director and the writer, never made another movie as far as IMDb knows. I really can't understand why somebody would make a movie this bad. Even if you don't have the money to take any courses in filmmaking, just watching movies on a regular basis should clue you in about the importance of a reasonably believable plot, halfway decent actors, and avoiding long stretches where nothing happens onscreen. Let's hope Ms. Green realized how unsuited her talents were to filmmaking and gave it up.]

Written in July 2009 by Nathan Decker and edited by Pam Burda.



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