Star Trek: Season 2, Episode 56: Space Thing (1968)
Captain's Log, Stardate 5997.4, Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. Still in Year Two of our Five Year Mission to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilization, and to boldly go where no man has gone before, we have come across a mysterious spacecraft traversing a neglected freighter path in Sector Thirteen of the Alpha Quadrant. Against the advice of First Officer Spock and Chief Medical Officer McCoy (duly noted in the deck logs), I have decided to infiltrate the alien spaceship on a solo reconnaissance mission. Having issued myself a covert recording device and a portable subspace transmitter, I will attempt to report back as often as I can.
A job for a Captain.
The unknown spacecraft.
Captain's Log Supplemental #1: Dressed in civilian clothes, the Enterprise has dropped me off in the alien ship's path and then retreated to a safe distance. Once taken in by the aliens, I claim to be from the “First State of Kansas”, lost in space after an accident. I soon ascertain that they call themselves “Terrarians”, humanoids by all appearances, and thankfully my Universal Translator works on their language. The ship's crew (I never learn the vessel's name) consists of three females (Connie, Portia, and Astrid) and two males (Cadet and Fatguy), led by Captain Mother, also a female of the Terrarian species. All of them appear to have stepped directly from one of Harry Mudd's swinger burlesque shows on Betazoid IV. Not that I would know, that wasn't me, it was Alternate Universe Kirk, I swear.
The other three girls.
Their spaceship appears to be both advanced and laughably primitive, with walls and ceilings seemingly made of drywall and canvas sheeting, their bridge is cramped and everyone sits on barstools, and what controls there are seem to be an odd mix of buttons and pull-strings. I want to mock them, but I imagine that this is how the Vulcans felt when they first encountered Zefram Cochrane's Phoenix over Earth in 2069, and look how we have advanced since then. After some conversation, I learn that they are on a mission to collect vegetation samples from Federation planets. Seems harmless enough, but I will keep my eyes open for any signs of danger. What also seems harmless to me is that the Terrarian females enjoy being out-of-uniform a lot and having hot, sweaty sex. I am glad now that I didn't assign Mister Spock to this mission, his lack of sexual ability would no doubt be his undoing.
I am in my element.
Mister Spock keeps an eye on my heath stats.
Captain's Log Supplemental #2: While I was expecting more of a vetting process, I have been immediately appointed a full member of the crew and I am now free to continue my recon mission. I chance upon Portia and her boyfriend Cadet making love on an ugly bed and stop to take Tricorder readings. While Portia strips bare, Cadet keeps his spaceshorts on the entire time (I watched it all, for research). How exactly does that work? Is this a cultural thing for their species? Are a Terrarian male's genitals located somewhere else, like on their knees? I take numerous photos of this strange anatomical phenomena for further study. I also take some pictures of Cadet...
He's the jealous type, he hates me, I know.
Terraria is still in the Pre-Warp Disco Era.
Not long afterwards, Captain Mother has a lesbian encounter with Portia in her cabin, one that starts with sex and ends with punishment whipping. Captain Mother tells the poor girl that she needs to quit Cadet because he's a man and men are icky (I disagree). What sort of command relationship do they have on this ship? Can the Captain have sex with anyone she wants? Is this acceptable in their leadership structure? One time aboard the Farragut I hit on a female Lieutenant and ended up spending a night in the brig and was docked a week's pay credits. Even as Captain of my own ship I've had 287 sexual harassment claims submitted to Starfleet Ethics Division against me, 283 of those from Yoeman Rand alone. And yet nothing I have ever done (or want to do to Nurse Chapel...) has been remotely as bad as Captain Mother's blatant disregard for personal space and no-touch areas. Can I join the Terrarian Navy? No, seriously, I'll resign my commission right now, just show me where to sign my name.
Very strange performance review.
She's a disciplinarian.
Captain's Log Supplemental #3: Meteor shower! Some bit of chaos this evening as a spacerock hits the ship and they have to send someone out to visually check on the damage. With her usual impulsiveness, Captain Mother taps Cadet for the EVA, but Cadet is sure it's just punishment for him being with Portia. Terrarian spacesuit designs are ancient, like those old atmospheric flying suits displayed in the Federation Museum of Science and Technology on Mars, I'm glad she didn't pick me. Cadet makes it back alive, which makes me happy, I'm sorta feeling sorry for him and he could be my ally eventually if I can manipulate him the right way.
She must have not been to SAPR training lately.
His suit has no air seals, he's braver than I.
Perhaps reacting to the adrenaline rush of the meteor encounter, everyone seems to be more sexually aroused now more than normal. Connie makes her move on me, I'm unsure if I should, but I need to try and please her to convince the rest of the crew that I can be trusted. Yeah, let's make sure that is what's in the Official Report, ok? In her cabin, Connie and I get it on. I fake some hesitancy, even though I am an acknowledged expert in the field of banging alien spacechicks, and Connie takes the lead. While she is eventually naked, I keep my shorts on just like I had seen before, she didn't mind so that must indeed be how their species operates. Try as I might I just couldn't figure out how to put my engine nacelle into her shuttle docking bay without taking off my shorts, but I think I did ok with the other stuff.
All the girls are tiny.
Alien skin is soft, I will take copious notes.
To learn more about them, afterwards I join the crew in their dining hall, which is pretty spartan as they sit on upturned paint buckets at a picnic table under a corded wall-clock. Not to my surprise, the food is terrible, mostly pills and powders and bland drinks, like a Vulcan breakfast. Feeling cantankerous, I sneak off to the bridge and dump all their remaining fuel, forcing them to land on a planetoid. While they wait on an SOS-call to Terrarian Command, Captain Mother sends the FatGuy out to check the surroundings. The air is breathable and the temps are warm, so everyone decamps ship and wanders around the planetoid. I swear this place looks familiar to me... Captain Mother claims this planetoid in the Name of Terraria by ceremoniously having sticky hot lesbian sex with the blonde girl Astrid.
I miss our food replicators.
Always time for loving. For science.
Meanwhile, Connie and Portia strip naked and run around barefoot. Drunk on Romulan ale, perhaps? Contagious Airborne Space Madness Syndrome? I will endeavor to take a blood sample back to Doctor McCoy for analysis. To gain said sample, I, of course, am forced to have sloppy-sex with Portia while Cadet is still on the ship. Having carnal relations outdoors is so primitive, like how the Klingons probably do it, thankfully my own species has progressed past this evolutionary milestone. In the middle of my medical investigation time with Portia, Captain Mother shows up and takes her place on my blanket and in my pants. I'm aware that I need to keep Captain Mother happy to complete my mission, so I give her false compliments and back rubs so she will let her guard down, and then her shirt down. After the Captain leaves to return to her ship for some lube, I'm attacked by a raging jealous Cadet! He has a gun, I wish I had my phaser, but keeping that would have given me away. Cadet and I fight in the dust and the dirt like animals, but I'm physically bigger and I know Flying-Leg-Kick Fu so he hasn't a chance. Plus, it sure seems like I fought the Gorn just over there... I take the gun away and disintegrate him when he won't give up, I kinda feel bad, I didn't mean to do that. I'm suddenly concerned how Captain Mother will react to this unfortunate turn of events.
Captain to Captain discussions.
I hope my crew isn't recording any of this.
Captain's Log Supplemental #: As it turns out, Captain Mother seems to take it in stride, I've convinced her we're in love by now, so she's ok with me murdering 20% of her crew. Well, make that 40% casualties on this away-team mission because the lonely Fatguy wanders off into the wasteland and is lost. I think he was suicidal because none of the women wanted him since he was paunchy and balding, probably better for him this way. Back aboard the ship now, Captain Mother suddenly remembers she has another auxiliary fuel supply, so we can take off again soon. How did she not know this? How does a starship captain have so little knowledge of the mechanical workings of her own vessel? The Terrarian Fleet Academy must be for-profit and unaccredited, like the Federation's own Trump Extrasolar Command School and Croissant Shop LLC on Praxis III.
Yeah, he doesn't fit in.
Man, these aliens are dumb.
So my recon mission seems to be at an end now. If I stay much longer I will be alone with four chicks on a ship headed deep into Federation space and I'm worried I'm in over my head. Once I'm the only penis left on the ship, I don't believe that I will be able to resist them all and might accidentally give away my secret identity in a moment of weakness. As such I've decided to plant a Micro-Atomic-Bomb on the ship and blow it up. But why? Are they not relatively harmless and incompetent? And hot? Should I just contact the Enterprise and have them warp in and capture them? I probably shouldn't do that, Ensign Chekov is quite horny. What would the Prime Directive say? What would Spock say? Spock, of course, would say blow them up, and that's probably the wise choice. Just let me set the timer for long enough so I can beam out in the nick of time...
I'll just put in here on the floor.
Mission well done, I say.
Written in October 2016 by Nathan Decker.
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that's between you and the vengeful wrath of your personal god...